Quacey Frimpong

Hello neglected readership. Last week was a fluke, this week is a coincidence, and hopefully I’ll turn this into a trend. I want to tell you about the muse for this week’s blog. His name is Quacey Frimpong. At least I think that was his name. It was the name on the placard next to his teller window, so I assume it was him. I’m unsure because it doesn’t sound like a person’s name. It sounds like a style of underground Vietnamese table tennis. Do you train in a dojo on a mountain top to learn the essence of Quacey Frimpong? Does the fate of humanity hang in the balance of a Quacey Frimpong tournament? If so, to all of the players who are Quacey enough to play Frimpong, thank you for your sacrifice so that our way of life may remain untouched by the void of evil that seeks to unseat the champion of Quacey Frimpong.

I will never know the glory that comes with hoisting the Quacey Frimpong Golden Championship Skull.

Speaking of elite athletics, we are in the midst of the Winter Olympics in Sochi. I’ve watched bits and pieces of the games, but I haven’t gone full Quacey Frimpong about it. With the time difference and the constant flow of information, it’s tough to maintain suspense with every result being spoiled hours before broadcast. I do love how we treat every American victory over the Russians like the last five minutes of Rocky IV. It does give new meaning to the term “Cold War,” but Russia is hardly the superpower they used to be, no matter how many bears Vladimir Putin bludgeons with a shark on horseback. One event that has captured the ever-dwindling imagination of Americans is the story of Ice Dancing gold medalists Meryl Davis and Charlie White. The plucky youngsters who have been skating together for 17 years skated into our hearts and caused a lot of internal damage because ice skates are very pointy. They’re very talented but, since the surface of figure skating is inherently shallow, I find myself taking them, or rather her, at face value. What the heck is up with her face?

It’s kinda flat. It looks like she was the love child of the dish running away with the spoon. It’s very distracting. Every time I see her skate, this is what runs through my head…

Yes, I realize I’m a horrible person. Please to encourage me by voting for me in the 2014 Washington City Paper Reader’s Poll! It’s kinda like my Sochi, except without the stray dogs, the athletic achievement, or shoddy infrastructure. I think we can all agree that I deserve another term as Best Comedian in DC. Last year’s reign was cruel, but fair. Don’t do it for me. Do it for Quacey Frimpong.

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Live From Clayton…

Hey there ‘Redheads… Greetings from Tobacco Road, by the banks of the Sweet Tea River. I’m sitting in the hotel lobby in Clayton, NC, mass murdering the minutes before my shows tonight at LOL Comedy Club. Before I get started, I’d like to apologize for the last post. It stunk out loud and I feel bad for even pushing the publish button. After making you wait so long (play along) you deserved something that even slightly made sense. Well, now I’m fueled by pulled pork and sweet tea and ready to mildly amuse you.

A couple deaths to start things off… After being missing since Valentine’s Day, actor Andrew Koenig was found dead of an apparent suicide. You know him better as Boner from Growing Pains. Don’t expect any Boner jokes here. I didn’t make the connection until today, but he also played the Joker in a pretty awesome Batman fan film, Batman: Dead End. Please to enjoy it…

Boner, we hardly knew ye… On the lighter side of death, my buddy Seth tipped me off to this recent passing…

Ronald Howes Sr., the inventor of the Easy Bake Oven that millions of young girls used to bake their first cookies, cupcakes and brownies, has died at the age of 83. Howes, who also created defense weapons and printers, developed the Easy Bake Oven while working at Kenner toys in the early 1960s.

According to his wishes, he’ll be cremated. That’ll be awhile. Then, there’s the big story about the killer whale that lived up to its name at Sea World. I’ve been watching that harridan from HLN, Jane Velez-Mitchell, out shout a trained animal expert about the incident. He’s had 40 years experience with animal training and she’s a bottom feeder. I’m sure these trainers know the risks of getting into a tank with a killer whale, but they’re not allowed to have pedophile whales at Sea World. Think of the children!

Like the rest of you, I’ve been intermittently transfixed by the pageantry of the Winter Olympics. Anyone else disappointed that the Ethiopians didn’t send a delegation to compete in skeleton? There, that slice of evil should make up for the earlier lack of a Boner joke. Some people are also confused by curling. I got a chance to try curling recently, and I have a new found respect for curlers. I was set straight on curling. The sport requires a flexibility normally reserved for Spider-man’s stunt double. Sure, it looks like bowling spliced with the ice capades, but it there’s skill involved. I’m glad that technology hasn’t taken over curling. They could eliminate the sweeping and just toss a Roomba down the ice, but thankfully, tradition has prevailed.

That’s all for now… Back to my room to watch more crap.

To be continued…