Campaign in the Ass

Hey gang… Sorry for turning February into neglect-you-ary. I’ve been focusing my energies on gainful employment. Also, the last post about Susan Sarandon’s boobs is perhaps the most read installment of the blog to date, so I wanted to let it rack (I swear, no pun intended) up as many nose-prints on the screen as I could. Seriously, the count is up to 91, which is nothing to brag about, I know, but considering the bulk of my posts get a baker’s dozen eyeballs on it, that’s pretty significant. Even if half of the views were from Russian spam-bots, that’s still a ton. Does this mean I turn this into a fashion blog? My self-important blather doesn’t move the needle, but defending the cleavage of Hollywood royalty is just the kind of blather people seem to be clamoring for.

Before I consider a major overhaul, allow me to toot the horn on the Mild Amusement Express one more time. If you look to your immediate right, you’ll see a giant pink button (if you don’t see it, follow the link below). If you click on that button, you can then cast a vote for me, @FunnyJared, as Best Twitter Personality in the Washington City Paper’s Best of DC 2016 Reader’s Poll. I was runner-up in 2015, and I’d really like to add another winner’s widget to my wall to go along with Best Comedian from 2013. If you need some proof of my Twitteracy, here are some recent examples…

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Not to sound like Jeb Bush, but please vote. Polls close 3/1 at midnight, at which point I will stop bugging you about it.

Be back soon with Oscar Red Carpet coverage, I guess…

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What Goes Up…

Hey gang. I wanted to get another installment of the blog up just so I can put it in the “trend” category. The last two could’ve been a mere coincidence, but this one proves I really mean it. What “it” is, I have no idea. In any case, here we are. Before I kick this off, let me take this final opportunity to lobby for your vote in the 2014 Washington City Paper Reader’s Poll. Go ahead and click the big orange button on the right and help keep my ego afloat for another year. Polls close at midnight. If I get this thing done in time, that should give you mere minutes to validate me in this giant parking lot we call life.

As the witching hour approaches, let me tell you of some of my recent exploits. I am 38 years old, but I like to put the emphasis on the 8. As my childhood spins away from me like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, I’m doing my best to stay tethered to it, lest I be permanently grounded in curmudgeonly adulthood. To that end, I joined my buddy Seth and his family at the SkyZone Indoor Trampoline Park for an hour of escape from the confines of Newton and his laws. Here’s something I quickly learned: Bouncing is for the young. They don’t have as far to fall, they haven’t been calcified by time, and they lack the mechanism in their brains that tell them they’re mortal. As I was jumping up and down, I could feel my innards undulating and my spinal column compressing. And I was sweaty. You wouldn’t think some as simple as jumping would tucker you out so much. Not only were there trampolines on the floor, but there were wall trampolines as well. These were tempting. You always imagine yourself being able to pull off moves like Spider-Man, with the agility of a gazelle. I, it turns out, have the agility of a cinder block. I discovered another law of motion: For every action there is an equal and opposite injury. Luckily, the foam pit allowed for a soft landing…

Some crappy news recently in the world of comedy. We lost two giants, Sid Caesar and Harold Ramis. Without Sid Caesar, TV comedy as we know it wouldn’t exist. Sid Caesar pioneered televised comedy and paved the way for the modern day sitcom and shows like SNL. And Harold Ramis was as important to comedy in the movies. Without him we would’ve never had Animal House or Caddyshack or Ghostbusters or Groundhog Day or Groundhog Day or Groundhog Day. If they don’t get their own private In Memoriam segments at the Emmys and Oscars, respectively, it would be a mockery, and not in the good way these guys did it. Sid, Egon, we hardly knew ye…

Again, vote for me, while you still can. I promise to stop bugging you about it. Next time.

But Enough About Me…

Hello to my abandoned readers. My blogging muscles have atrophied from overuse of Twitter. All of my pithy blurbs are available to you on the right-hand side of the blog, by the way. I’m not even sure if I have much else to say, but I felt the need to put a fresh post on here. Let me update you on what’s happened in my world since last you strained your eyes and feigned interest…

I got married. That was pretty big. As I type this, my lovely wife is looking over the mass of pictures of the blessed event. We’re coming up on six months, so it’s about time we get albums made. Here’s one of the better ones…

Aren’t we adorable? Anyway, I’ll stop boring you with that so I can bore you with this: I ended up winning the Best Comedian in D.C. in the 2013 Washington City Paper Reader’s Poll. Thanks to everyone who voted. I won the fabulous blue widget, suitable for mounting on the right-hand side of the blog, and expectations I can never reach. Winning was a gift and a curse. Sure, it’s great to be validated after nearly 12 years doing stand-up, but I hate using it to promote myself because if it gets mentioned before I go on-stage, I feel like everyone is waiting for me to prove it to them. I like to keep everyone’s expectations super-low, then nimbly step over them. The cool thing about it was that was the first time that category was awarded, so I set the standard low for the next winner. Speaking of which, voting is open for the 2014 Washington City Paper Reader’s Poll, so please to click on the giant orange button on the right-hand side of the blog for all of your voting-for-me needs. Help make me the first two-time winner. I’ll be able to add “coincidental” to my list of potential adjectives. I’m at least as funny as I was last year.

I’m also waiting to hear back about another potential opportunity to beg for votes on a national level. I’m ready to take my pandering to the big time. We’ll see if it pans out. I’m not holding my breath, but I had a positive experience auditioning for a reality TV show. I’m just waiting for them to tell me whether or not I have talent. Stay tuned.

So, my goal is to hopefully put together an entry once a week for as long as either of us can stand it. In the meantime, go ahead and follow me on Twitter @FunnyJared. I’m at about 210 followers, which is okay until I realized that’s only 30 followers on Dog Twitter.

I promise the next installment will be slightly less self-centered. Maybe.