Album Update

As of right now, it’s going to be a double album with comedy buddy Robert Mac. Wasn’t our initial intention, and it may be eventually split, but for now here’s what we’ve got. Stay tuned.

DoubleAlbumPromoSoon

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Welcome to the NEW JaredSternComedy.com! Wipe your feet.

Check out my recently rearranged corner of the internet! This is your one-stop repository of all things Jared Stern, recently referred to by a British radio host who had no idea who he was talking to as, “One of America’s leading comedians”. Plan your life around my upcoming shows, follow me on social media, or enjoy a video clip of my comedy stylings. Click away!

Desperate times…

Oy vey ‘Redheads… It’s Day 29 of Blog-A-Day in May and things are bleak. Once again, the laptop I brought with me has shit the bed as far as wireless connection. So, I’m typing this on my phone… I’ve come too far to let this slide now. Please take this time to scroll down and enjoy any installment you may’ve missed, while I try to get things rectified.

‘Til then…

A Blog Before Blogging

Hey there ‘Redheads… My apologies for the delay. This past week has been super busy and I’ve had very little time to sit down at the keyboard for any non-porn related activities. I did want to give you a little something to tide you over for the weekend before I hit the road for Poughkeepsie, NY. Rest assured, when I get back, you’ll get another massive installment covering this weekend, last weekend, and the days that fell in between. It’ll be a biggun. In the meantime, here’s a small video sampling of the killing spree that was my weekend hosting at the DC Improv

And if that wasn’t enough, check out the latest video collaboration with my good buddy, Chris White. Note my crappy acting and robotic gesticulation (that means hand movement, you pervs). Enjoy…

Lots more on Monday…promise.

To be continued…

The Waaaaiting Is The Hardest Part…

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re only one installment away from the arbitrary milestone of 100 blogs. I’ve had a few of those recently…5000 hits, the one year mark, most grammatical errors, all of which have just been convenient excuses to fill this space with recycled content. Rest assured, the 100th installment will have…more conveniently recycled content than those. Only the best for you, my throng of fan (I leave off the “s” for…well, for accuracy *sigh*). In the meantime, let’s get on with 99.

So, for the first time ever, I’m bummed that I don’t live in New Jersey or Georgia. Sadly, my fortune cookie numbers failed to hit the $370 million lottery. These things have got to hit at some point. With fortunes like: “You will be fortunate in everything”, “There are coincidences”, and “God will give you everything you want”, how can I lose (I shit you not, these are actual fortunes I’ve gotten)? Perhaps things will turn around for me next year, the Year of the Jew. In order to increase my chances for the next big jackpot, I’m gonna move to Wisconsin and get a job at a meat recycling plant. I’m also going to age myself about 50 years and take up fishing. I had plans for that money. Actually, my plans didn’t extend much past answering the question about my plans for the money…two words: nuclear program. Oh well, so much for financial planning.

I saw a very cool movie over the weekend. Do yourself a favor and check out Black Snake Moan. Easily the better of the two Samuel L. Jackson snake movies. This is his best take-no-shit-bad-ass performance since Pulp Fiction. He plays a lovelorn southern farmer who finds Christina Ricci’s nubile nymphomaniac unconscious on the side of a dirt road and, in an attempt to keep her from further depraving herself, chains her to his radiator. Let the healing begin. This movie is equal parts engaging, disturbing, and darkly comic. And is not ruined by Justin Timberlake. If there’s any justice, we’ll see Mr. Jackson on stage at the Oscars, performing nominee for Best Song, “Bucket of Blood”.
Speaking of Sam Jackson, he’s probably the most prolific actor of our generation. He’s in everything. Without consulting IMDB (you’re gonna have to trust me on this one), here’s 10 off the top of my head, not including the 3 mentioned above:
Unbreakable
Deep Blue Sea
Triple X
Die Hard With a Vengeance
The 3 shitty Star Wars prequels
The Incredibles
Shaft
Changing Lanes
He’s also got small parts in Coming to America, Sea of Love, and Goodfellas. I’m thinking it’s time to put Kevin Bacon out to pasture and bring the 6 Motherfuckin’ Degrees of Samuel L. Jackson (patent pending) into the pop culture landscape. Feel free to play at home.

On Sunday, join your favorite amiable zany and fellow local funnymen, Jon Mumma and Danny Rouhier for the first ever stand-up showcase at the freshly birthed DC Improv Comedy Lounge. We’ll each be doing 30 minutes of our own brands of hilarity in an intimate atmosphere. So, come laugh at us up close for a mere $10. Click here. Be there.

To be continued…

V

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to March. The month of the madness. One of the greatest sports months on the calendar, provided your sport is gambling on college basketball. This particular NCAA tourney will be extra special, because it’s the first time in 3 years that my Terps will be taking part. They’re a very convenient team to root for, because I already bleed red (we won’t discuss where the black and yellow come from). The only thing that stunk about last night’s drubbing of Duke, were the techinical difficulties suffered by ESPN. The last 5 minutes of the game had to be acted out by Scott Van Pelt and Stuart Scott doing shadow puppetry while Dick Vitale narrated because the video feed got screwed up. It went from HD to Orson Welles radio drama. Long story short: Fuck Duke.

Today-ish marks a comedic milestone for me. Stick a candle in a cupcake and wish me a happy comedy birthday. I’m five. Yes, it was the end of February 2002 when I went to my very first open mic at the now defunct comedy hole in the wall that was Wichester’s in Baltimore. If my memory serves me correctly, Mike Shader was the host that night. I had scribbled down what I thought was 5 minutes of material…turns out it translated into 3 nervous yammering minutes on stage. I have in front of me, the set list from that night. I’m happy to say, I don’t do any of those jokes anymore. Let me see if I can transcribe some of my embryonic chickenscratch for you…

Material:
Grandpa Izzy –> senile memoirs…wrote the first unauthorized autobiography, entitled Where The Hell Am I and Who The Hell Are You People? He claims he discovered irony, when he got fired from the unemployment office.

I have dyslexic amnesia…I have no memory of what’s about to happen to me.

I do alot of community service…every morning I hit the streets to provide the homeless with fresh…cardboard and sharpies. I teach them alliteration: Homeless, Hungry, Help. I also do work with the BFMSM…which is Bouquets For Median Strip Mexicans.

That’s the most I can piece together from the ancient text. Besides, I should leave some mysteries for comedic scholars to ponder when they open the shitty comedy wing of the Smithsonian. I think I’ve done well to walk upright in the stand-up world since then. In Jerry Seinfeld’s documentary, Comedian, he says that your age in comedy parallels the development of a child at that age. 5 years old…I’m pretty well potty trained, able to handle the shit that comes my way…and I say the darndest things, don’t I? Pretty soon, it’ll be time to go to school, whatever the hell that means. So, here’s to further development and unstunted growth. I’ve got some cool play dates coming up. Be sure to check out the show at the brand spankin’ new DC Improv Comedy Lounge on March 11th. Myself and two other funny little stinkers, Jon Mumma and Danny Rouhier, will be doing 30 minutes apiece. Come laugh at our fart jokes. Click here. Be there.

Speaking of cute kids, check out this video of my nephew, Mo…

Admit it…you just tried tickling the computer screen.

Also, a happy 30th birthday to DC comedy den mother, Amy Mumma. She had a humdinger of a party last Sunday at Chuck E. Cheese for adults, Dave & Buster’s. The comedy sewing circle in attendance had a grand time telling stories that cannot be reprinted here…let’s just say it was a gas (for those who were there: nudge nudge wink wink). And it better be 30 more years before I see Justin Schlegel’s yam bag with balloons tied to it again. Look for pictures from the event in a future installment…don’t worry, not of the aforementioned yam bag.
(UPDATE 3/02/07: Got ’em…here they are)

Even when posing for pictures, at least one of us kept it gangsta…or something.


An Amy & facial hair sandwich…yummy.

Here’s Jay Hastings, reenacting his favorite scen from Jacob’s Ladder.

There you have it…photographic proof we had a good time.

Go Terps.

To be continued…