Milestoned

Hey there, ‘Redheads… This post is about milestones, two arbitrary and one that belongs in an episode of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not (wow, I’m old). Let me rattle a few off for you. This is the 300th installment of the blog (only took me 5 1/2 years). As of yesterday’s post, the blog passed the 26,000 hit mark (most of those are me constantly clicking on the blog to see how many hits I have). And, the most important one, one that will be inscribed in the annals of history, Magooby’s Joke House in Baltimore broke the Guinness World Record for Longest Continuous Comedy Show last night. 81 hours of comedy. An hour and a half of which was my brand of mild amusement. I had the good fortune of having some cherry time slots. 8pm is a perfectly normal time for comedy. Kudos to my comedy comrades who got on stage at noon or 4am. That’s when comedy is passed out. According to the rules, there had to be at least ten people in the audience, and at those times, that’s about all that was there. Apparently, over the 81 hours, we averaged 42 people a show. That was helped by the near sell out crowd we had for the final three hours. Here’s my set from last night. The video has the tail end of Jim Meyer’s set, then me, then Ayanna Dookie. There’s some new stuff in there, but I had to play the hits to fill the half hour.

Since there were so many comics involved in this, I’m thinking we should get a plaque or a trophy with everyone’s name on it to commemorate. A Comedy Stanley Cup, or something. Anyway, thanks to everyone who came out and supported us. The fact that a club in Timonium was able to break a record that was held by a club in L.A. really says something about the comedy scene ’round these parts. And it was all for a great cause. I think we raised over $30,000 for Special Olympics. That’s my good deed for the year.

I neglected to mention my playoff pick results on Monday. Once again, I went 2-2. I was right about it being a bad weekend for things that fly. All of the birds went down like a game of Duck Hunt. All that was missing was that dog to laugh at them…The one game that no one picked was the Jets-Patriots tilt. Tom Brady and the Pats crapped in their hat (almost sounds like a Dr. Seuss book). The Jets talk more trash than Oscar the Grouch, so it was nice to see them actually back it up, even though I picked the Pats. The game will probably be remembered best for the epic on-field post game interview that Bart Scott gave to Sal Pal…

So, in the hopes that I can continue my .500 playoff pick record, let’s pull out the magic dart board and look at the championship match-ups for this weekend. In the NFC, I’ve been picking the cheeseheads this long, so I don’t see any reason to jump off the wheel of gouda at this point. In the AFC, as fun as it would be to have Rex Ryan in the SuperBowl, just for the quotes in the two weeks leading up to it, I gotta go with Big Ben and the Steelers. Besides, I can’t think of two teams that’d piss off Jerry Jones more to have in his house on the NFL’s biggest night.

See you Monday… Can’t wait!

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Idol, a Try

Hey there, ‘Redheads… On Tuesday, I offered you a peek into the future of reality competition shows. An innocent looking Luvs commercial…

It’s a metaphor for all of these shows. We judge the crap that comes out of people. And the one that mirrors the Luvs commercial the most is the recently revamped American Idol. I will admit that I only caught a very brief bit of the show last night. Thankfully, it was on DVR so I could beep boop past all of the self-aggrandizing introductions of the new judges, right to the auditions. That’s the meat of this first wave of episodes that we judgmental jackals drool over. We delight in watching the deluded masses get a reality check and get told that their years of training by singing in the shower hasn’t prepared them for super stardom. When they introduced the new panel, my first thought was, “Wow, Kara DioGuardi looks like shit.” Turns out that was Steven Tyler. Idol had a tough job of restoring the great balance of mean and overly nice/batshit crazy that Simon and Paula provided. Well, they got it half right. Now batting for batshit crazy is Steven Tyler, who looks and sounds like Gary Busey in drag. And in the role of overly nice, we have Jenny from the block. Essentially, they cut Paula in half (lithium poured out) and, like a Fantasia broomstick, both halves grabbed a bucket and began stumbling around. Randy is still there, but only so people can play the “dog” drinking game. The panel is now nice and batshit crazy without the harsh truth to pop the bubbles. The monster has had its teeth pulled and its meds doubled. Like I said, I saw about five minutes through my drooping eyelids, so maybe I just need to give it an awake and alert chance before I pass judgment, but where’s the fun in that?

Tonight is the home stretch of Magooby’s world record comedy marathon. I’m on at 8:00pm. The show is FREE. They just ask that you donate to Special Olympics. Get some bulk laughter and watch comedy history get made.

See you there…

Catnip

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Big news has hit the interwebs about the third Batman flick. It was announced that Anne Hathaway will play Catwoman. Reaction that I’ve seen has been mixed. I’m going to reserve judgment on how she’ll be able to pull it off. When I first heard that Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker, I couldn’t see it, and his performance won a Batman movie a goddamn Oscar. Don’t get me wrong, two thumbs way up for Anne Hathaway in a skin tight catsuit, but that’s only part of Selina Kyle’s charm. Catwoman is an iconic character. Just ask Halle Berry. I’m sure her performance will put her somewhere between Eartha Kitt and Michelle Pfeiffer in the pantheon. I wish I thought of it first, but fellow DC area comic Mike James said, “Apparently all you have to do to be a Batman villain is bone Jake Gyllenhaal in a previous movie.” Hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious, do yourself a favor and check out the waning hours of Magooby’s attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. I had a great time on stage last night and watching my comedy comrades, Ayanna Dookie, Rob Maher, Sonny Fuller, and Mike Way, in action. Your last chance to watch me do my part in this herculean effort is tomorrow night at 8pm. Check me out, then hang out to watch the record get busted at 11:30. Like you really have anything better to do. And it’s for charity. Free bulk comedy and you can feel extra good about laughing at what our twisted minds come up with. About five years back, the standard credit for any comic in the Baltimore area was being an extra on The Wire. Co-holder of this record will replace that.

See you manana… Doo doo de doo doo…

C is for Crap

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I saw something truly horrifying on TV yesterday. Given the amount of raw horror that spills out of the tube on a regular basis and how numb we’ve become to it, we’re not easily shocked anymore. Birds fall out of the sky? Ho hum. We’re jaded. But this nugget of odium came from an unlikely place: a diaper commercial…

Oh sure, it looks like a cute commercial, but think about what you just watched. A judged contest to see which child can take the more massive crap, on a stage in front of cheering fans that are snapping cell phone pictures. You see a cute baby cartoon. I see a grim window into the future of televised reality competitions. This does seem like the next logical step after competitive eating. And sure, some people in the crowd are there to cheer on their favorite baby but, just like people watch NASCAR to see the crashes, some sick bastards are there just to see a rupture. And in our world of manufactured celebrity, somebody will try to pass this off as a genuine spectator sport. Hey, everyone does it, right? UPS could sponsor. ABC will pass on it and FOX will add it to the line up after American Idol. You just watched and voted on people singing, now watch and vote on what comes out the other end. Yeesh.

Don’t let crap like that infect your soul. Come out to Magooby’s tonight to cleanse your soul with some comedy and charity. Right now, they’re roughly 22 hours into the 81 hour marathon. They need audience members. The show is FREE. Just drop something in the bucket for Special Olympics and you get as much comedy as you can handle. I’m on at 8pm tonight, followed by Ayanna Dookie, Rob Maher, and Mike Way.

See you there…

MLK Shake

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Sorry for the last minute post that I have no excuse for because I had the day off from work. I just slid into home after a harrowing ride on the frozen tundra that is 295 from Baltimore to DC. I saw several cars that had done a triple lutz into an embankment or into a jersey wall. I’m just glad I got back in time to keep the blog going for you. See what I do for you? Anywho, I hope everyone enjoyed their MLK Day. I spent the day scratching the i’s out of every “Got Milk?” poster that I could find. I also met up with some friends at the American History museum. I paid tribute to another tireless civil rights advocate, Kermit the Frog. It wasn’t easy being green, people. Martin Luther King’s message still rings true today. You shouldn’t judge people by the color of their skin, when there are so many other reasons to judge people.

I just got back from my first contribution toward breaking the world record for longest continuous comedy show at Magooby’s. Things are off to a swimming start. They were at the eight-hour mark when I left. Just 73 more hours to go. Apparently, the whole thing is being broadcast on UStream, so go ahead and click the link if you’d like to satisfy your morbid curiosity and peek in on what a comedy show at 4:30 in the morning looks like. Please to also check out a chunk of the show live. Support the effort. Support comedy. Support the Special Olympics.

See you in a bit…

How I Wonder…

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Week two of my attempt to mildly amuse on a regular basis is in the books, or the cloud, or whichever ether this mess is stored in. With another sheet torn off my 2011 word-a-day calendar, there comes another floccinaucinihilipilification disguised as an earth shaking discovery. Actually, it shook the heavens, or at the very least a Magic 8-ball. Apparently, the dates associated with the zodiac have been off for awhile. All these years you thought you were a gregarious, unassuming Libra and now it turns out you’re just an unassuming, gregarious Aries. Everything you know is wrong. The Chinese are laughing at us. They’ve had their astrological ducks (and the sauce) in a row for centuries. Now the planet tilts on it’s axis by a micron and we lose our celestial shit. I’m just amazed that we didn’t take this chance to completely rework the zodiac to something more celebrity-centric. Stars for stars, right? For instance, I’m an Affleck with a Bieber rising. Just remember, Earth, Wind, and Fire said it best, “You’re a shining star, no matter who you are.”

Speaking of prognostication that usually turns out to be wrong, I should probably give you my picks for this weekend’s slate of NFL playoff tilts. I have a feeling that it’s doing to be a bad weekend for anything that flies. The Packers will pluck the Falcons, the Pats will ground the Jets, and the Steelers will grind past the Ravens. The only thing with wings that’ll keep flapping into the next round will be the Seattle Seahawks, who’re playing the Bears, a team they’ve already beaten in Chicago. I was 2-2 last week, so I’ll probably be half right again.

Whatever general advice your horoscope gave you today, bend it to mean that you should go see a comedy show this weekend. There are tons of options to choose from in the DC/Baltimore area. I’m in two of them. Tonight, at the Comedy Spot in Arlington, VA and Saturday, at the Chesapeake Arts Center Studio Theater in Baltimore, I’ll be doing a set for the DC Comedy Lab. Click the link for info. Also, don’t forget that I’ll be carrying the baton in the comedy marathon at Magooby’s as they attempt to break the world record for longest continuous comedy show. All proceeds benefit Special Olympics. I’m on at 8pm on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. Check out a chunk of comedy for a great cause.

See you Monday…

Home For The Holidays

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone is having a very merry and a holly jolly. Since the last installment, things for me have been less than cheery. Thankfully, things are on the upswing and I no longer feel like someone has a voodoo doll of me with a pin stuck in the ass. If you’ll remember, my car got stolen last week. Well, the most recent dollop of sour cream on that shitburger is that the blower motor on my heating system went kaput on Tuesday night. If you’re keeping score (and I do), that’s the hassle of a stolen vehicle and the inconvenience and expense of having no heat during the coldest time of the year. Apparently, I have some exotic heating system that uses a motor that was first sketched out on DaVinci’s doodle pad…so that has to be special ordered. The repair company has top men working on it right now…top men. I’m subletting my apartment to a family of penguins until everything gets found and fixed. Where am I living in the meantime? Glad you asked…with my parents…in their guest bedroom…on a day bed. I’m lucky they live close. I don’t have to worry about a hotel and they don’t have to go far to nag me, so it works out for both parties. I’ve been eating better the last couple of days, too. I had Wheaties this morning. The breakfast of champions…somebody get me a trophy with a couch on it. So, like I said, things are looking up…from a long way down…things got a crick in their collective neck from trying to look up. I got the call on Tuesday that the cops found my car in DC. Something about it trying to throw its brake shoes at the President. It’s in a tow yard, awaiting the insurance adjuster to assess the damage. Again, since it’s the holidays, that won’t be ’til next week. Here’s hoping it’s not a burnt out husk when we finally do get to it. Who knows? Maybe it’ll have more stuff in it than when I left it…like last time. If you’ll refer to to the vehicular retrieval post from 3 years ago…

Well, I’m happy to report that all is not lost…not yet. The powers that be recovered my vehicle, with minor damage, in SE DC. Apparently, it was involved in a robbery, then the assailants were nabbed and the perps realized there’s no reset button in the real-life version of Grand Theft Auto. I couldn’t believe my Jeep was involved in a robbery… I mean, you think you know a car. It’s out of my sight for a couple of hours and it turns into Patty Hearst. Alot of the machinery I own have criminal tendencies. My PC is constantly performing “illegal operations”…dealing heroin out of the hard drive.

So, I went to investigate the damage to the Jeep. The ignition: gone…well, not so much gone, but in the cup holder. There was also minimal damage to the driver’s side door, where they used the hobo’s skeleton key, a screwdriver. When I inventoried the contents of the vehicle, I found that, not only did they not take anything…they left a bunch of stuff. A pile of CD’s, a couple packs of children’s pajamas, and a Batman playset. I’m petitioning to add this as a Hanukkah Miracle, but the Torah revisionists haven’t gotten back to me yet. Armed with this evidence, I’ve put together a profile of the ruffian who took my car. I was jacked by a narcoleptic toddler with a hero complex and a burnt out subscription to Columbia House.

On the good side, I’ve had two stellar shows in the past four days. The first was on Sunday at The Birchmere, helping Good For The Jews kick off their “Putting the Ha in Hanukkah” tour. I had a very nervous stomach before that show. The guys did a fine job hiding their disgust while my gut was riffing backstage. My insides sounded like a drunk didgeridoo player. Not sure if it was nerves or if I carry stress in my duodenum, but it was not welcome as I was going over my material before the show. Big thanks to GFTJ and the fine folks at The Birchmere for having me.

The second show was on Christmas Eve at Magooby’s Joke House. It was billed as Comedy with Lobster Sauce, four Jewish comics, an all-Jew-can-eat Chinese food buffet, and an open bar…the menorah wasn’t the only thing getting lit that night. The inflatable dreidel hung from the ceiling with care, with hopes that our jokes would get more than a stare. I was joined by newcomer Dave Madow, Andy Kline (who looks Jewish, but isn’t), and Marc Unger. The place was packed and the crowd was surprisingly non-judgy. Good times.

I’ll squeeze another installment in before ’08 fizzles out…’til then.