2010 Year End Spectacular…or something

Hey there ‘Redheads… Once again, I’ve gone off the grid and left the wellspring of my thoughts dry as a bone. Well, I’m back to wrap up 2010, so you may drink from the dixie cup of my brain drizzle. Recently, I’ve just been using Facebook as a repository for my random observations, but that hardly helps you, my hopefully still loyal readers. My plan for 2011 is to reroute my postings on Facebook through this blog, creating a digital synergy not seen since my Roomba ate my remote control. This will mean multiple daily blurbs as opposed to the longer weekly or once a fortnight entries that I’ve been foisting upon you. We’ll see how long that lasts. I give it a week, tops. This is all a last ditch effort to draw more eyeballs in my general direction. If the right pair of eyeballs sees me flailing about on here, maybe I can attain Antoine Dodson-like celebrity. Anyway, here now is the year 2010 in as many statuses as I can squeeze in until Carpal Tunnel sets in. I hope you enjoy it as much I enjoy doing it to you…

Jared Stern…

…found it mildly amusing that AMC edited “Jesus Christ” out of The Matrix.

…witnessed Mother Nature in all her glory. The snow fell a tree onto a speed camera. You clock that, asshole?

…is having that dream where I’m at work on a Saturday after getting to bed at 2am. Wait, I’m not in my underwear. Crap.

…wonders if the Russians know that, by electrocuting Jack Bauer, you’re only hurting the electricity.

…would like to nominate whoever decided to do snow removal during rush hour for the Nobel Prize in Clusterfuckery.

…is right behind Slovenia in the Winter Olympic medal count.

…thinks Ethiopia should’ve sent a delegation to Vancouver to compete in Skeleton.

…thinks the In Memoriam segment of the Oscars will be long enough to qualify for a Best Mini-Series Emmy.

…liked Crazy Heart better when it was called The Wrestler.

…is a little bit OCD. A smidge. Ok, maybe less than a smidge. A touch. More than a touch but less than a smidge. Perhaps a tad.

…hereby dubs University of Northern Iowa bandwagon fans, UNI-tards.

…is excessercising.

…didn’t appreciate the Passover theme at the Luxor.

…would like to know where all the people who claimed global warming was debunked with all the snow are today, when it’ll be 80 on April 2nd.

…was called “subversive and horrifying” after the Friday late show at the Improv. It was a compliment. I’ll take it.

…is drawing a rough draft of a blank.

…can’t spell “mundane” incorrectly without “Monday”.

…is treating my allergies with prescription strength denial.

…has never had amnesia, I think.

…can’t spell “histamine” without “mean shit”.

…doesn’t know the meaning of the word, “lexicon”.

…is eyeing Alex Ovechkin as the #1 pick for my fantasy golf team.

…donated $100 to the Foxwoods Home For People Who Should Know Better.

…thought, instead of singing the National Anthem, Chris Brown should’ve thrown out the first punch at the Mayweather fight.

…is realizing that I may be a bit out of shape to run in Survive DC 2010. I’m getting winded typing this.

…is really good a word jumbles. Or I’m dyslexic. One of the two.

…has a new favorite sports name: Angel Pagan. His parents are devout atheists.

…wishes Pac-Man a happy birthday. Your haunted compulsive eating disorder has brought joy to us all.

…has the edge of my seat dusted off for the 24 finale. Give ’em hell, Jack.

…wishes Star Wars a happy 33rd birthday. Probably time to move out of your parents’ basement.

…isn’t sure which is more shocking, that Gary Coleman is dead or that Conrad Bain is still alive.

…always enjoys when the diminutive UPS driver stops by. I call him the UPS-aloompa. Today, he has perfect puzzle for me.

…is torn. This Strasburg kid is great, but he makes the line for my ballpark Ben’s Chili Dog longer.

…is getting just a little tired of being lied to by previews and reviews. Predators sucked like an airplane toilet. Do yourself a favor and go rent Aliens instead.

…once killed a man because he told me I couldn’t take criticism.

…just found out that Die Hard came out 22 years ago today. First, holy shit do I feel old. Second, to celebrate, why don’t you come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.

…thinks TLC should be renamed The Midgets & Cake Channel.

…has found that low expectations are like high standards, but with less disappointment.

…is fit as a fat fiddle.

…saw a guy with one of those magnetic ribbons on his car that said, “Support Tattoos”. Hey buddy, if you really supported tattoos, that would be etched into your bumper. You support temporary tattoos.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel the– fuck, it’s still 100 degrees outside.

…just discovered that the storm killed my refrigerator. The food inside is now more spoiled than Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua.

…finished cleaning out my dead fridge. I’m pretty sure I heard a voice say, “Zuul”.

…heard Aretha Franklin broke four ribs in a fall. She also broke two sides and a biscuit.

…spent more time in a kayak this weekend than I have in any other palindrome.

This is my status. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My status is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my status is useless. Without my status, I am useless.

…does less all day than most people do before 6am.

…better whiskey up these cornflakes.

…heard the guy at the center of the Discovery Channel hostage situation is making demands. His first demand: SHARK MONTH.

…wants to know if there are any events planned for this once-every-hundred-years occasion that is 9/02/10. Maybe an Aaron Spelling Bee?

…had a great time up in Timonium for Laff-a-palooza. Our show was right next to the Maryland State Fairgrounds, where Justin Bieber was performing. Parking was tighter than one of his groupies.

…has 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters furiously working on my status. Sure, they work cheap, but the smell.

…is writing my concession speech. Here’s what I’ve got so far: Large popcorn, medium Cherry Coke, and a box of Sno-Caps.

…is venturing into the dark heart of Delaware with a bucket full of dick jokes.

Opulence. I has it.

…remembers when nostalgia meant something.

…enjoyed the rampant Brett Favre jokes at trivia tonight. Especially for the questions, “What type of nuts are used to make Marzipan?” and “What is the offspring of a donkey and horse called?”

…is voting o-nay on the measure to deport illegal Pig Latinos.

…is shaking hands and kissing babies. I’ve only mixed those up a couple times.

…wants to congratulate Joe Paterno on hitting 400. He doesn’t look a day over 395.

…is packing up the van and moving to the Capitol. Hills, that is.

“Then again, if it’s funny, then the hell with dignity.” – Leslie Nielsen

My inner curmudgeon is yelling at the rest of me to get the hell off his lawn.

…saw a white squirrel on the way home from Safeway. This gentrification thing has gotten way out of hand.

Thanks for laughing at me. Let’s crank it to ’11…

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I Is, Therefore I Am…

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s Friday, it’s Blogust, and I’m bored at work. So, why not wring some self-importance out of the spongy mass that does my thinking for me? This installment is a string of my favorite status updates from Facebook over the last month or so… I know, try to control yourselves. Some of these actually meet this blog’s standards of mild amusement. After you get done, I promise to have a couple videos and pictures to make up for that time you’ll never get back. So, put on your water wings, strap on your goggles, and take a dip in Lake Me…

Jared Stern started the day with toast… It may well be all downhill from here…

Jared Stern hopes Twitter gets back online, so I can resume not giving a shit…

Jared Stern bought the audio book for the Yellow Pages… Turns out, I really can listen to Morgan Freeman read the phone book…

Jared Stern is going to hit Rock Bottom tonight… The bar, not the figurative personal abyss…

Jared Stern thinks Victoria’s Secret should help the ladies during the economic slide and come out with a Financial Support Bra…

Jared Stern would like very much for the person who has my voodoo doll to stop with the poking… Thanks.

Jared Stern found out that today is National Tequila Day… Which makes tomorrow National Day of Regret…

Jared Stern heard some pundit say that health care reform could be Obama’s Waterloo, and now I have the chorus of that goddamn ABBA song stuck in my head…

Jared Stern suffers from Occasional Fatigue Syndrome…

Jared Stern came very close to committing seppuku with a golf pencil at trivia tonight, but our team roared back to win and dishonor was averted…

Jared Stern can’t get no statusfaction…

Jared Stern is drifting off into the black sleep of Kali Ma known as Zyrtec…

Jared Stern gained superhuman quickness when I realized my car might’ve been towed… Luckily, it wasn’t… Back to sloth mode…

Jared Stern forgot to read the instructions before I went to bed… My mattress has the sleep number of the beast…

Jared Stern isn’t sure… I’m either wishing I was asleep or dreaming that I’m awake…

See, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

A note to all of you hacks out there who insist on doing a Bill Cosby impression in your act, and think all it takes is mentioning a pudding pop. This is how it’s done…

That’s comedy buddy, Danny Rouhier on the radio with Joe Robinson and Mike Aronin. Note that aside from a question addressed to him, there is no mention of Jell-O pudding in the 4+ minutes of spot-on Cosby. He could host Picture Pages with that impression. So, unless you’re that good, maybe it’s time to drop Coz from the repertoire…and ixnay on the Ocidile-cray Unter-hay, while you’re at it.

Add another clip to the In Memoriam montage at this year’s Oscars… Director John Hughes died of a heart attack yesterday while on a walk in New York. Walking. The silent killer. Like everyone else in my age bracket, his movies were an integral part of our teen angst-riddled 80’s upbringing. Weird Science and Ferris Beuller’s Day Off are two of my personal favorites. Mr. Hughes, we won’t…forget about you…

To be continued…

Fanuary

Hey there ‘Redheads… How’s your year been so far? We’re roughly two weeks in and I must say, mine is doing well to keep my low expectations and false hopes alive. The last installment was a quick one, so I’ve got about six pounds of crap to cram into this five pound bag of bunk. First, you may have noted the title. Why not kick off ’09 with some patented (pending) ’08 stunt blogging that’s past it’s sell-by date? Consider this a pledge drive of sorts. Since MySpace has become the light rock on the social network radio dial, I figured I’d start to dig my heels in over on Facebook. Take a gander over at the right-hand side of the blog and you’ll see the link to my Facebook fan page (where it says BECOME A ‘REDHEAD). Click on it and pledge your digital devotion in my general direction.

Big thanks to Charm City and the crackerjack staff at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for yet another great weekend on their stage. We had some fun shows, despite a couple being lightly attended. Our first show on Saturday night fell victim to the juggernaut of the NFL Playoffs…specifically, the Ravens game. All of Baltimore was glued to a bar stool in front a flat screen tv, mainlining beer and chicken wings, while the Ravens plucked out the eyes of the Titans. There was about 25 people at the show…most of them Steelers fans. We still had fun. I was pretty psyched, because I test drove some brand new material all weekend and it’s a keeper. Speaking of the playoffs, I’m pretty sure if the Cardinals go to the SuperBowl, the seismic force of every football fan in America simultaneously smacking themselves in the forehead, will cause a tsunami that will swallow Tampa Bay. So…Go Eagles.

We’ll be right back after this brief message…

…and we’re back. The economy is rough, so I figured I’d sell commercial time on the blog. I’m also leasing out my left nostril to that family in the Mucinex ad. Tough times.

I would be remiss, if I didn’t mention the recent sinking of the good ship Wiseacres. They closed their doors pretty much right after the ball dropped. After getting my feet wet up in Baltimore, my formative comedy years were spent on the Wiseacres stage. I recorded my comedy cd there. It’s a big loss for the area comedy scene. It was the only regular weekly open mic held at an actual comedy club. When your primary goal is to eventually get work at a comedy club, there’s no better feedback you can get than from a comedy club crowd. Plus, it was a great place to hang out with your brothers and sisters in arms and shoot the shit in a Cheers meets Mos Eisley atmosphere…a wretched hive of scum and villainy where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came. Hopefully, the hole it leaves will eventually get plugged.

Does everyone have their plans for the big inaugural festivities? This city is about to get swarmed with hope and smothered by idealism. They’re projecting 4 million people will show up in DC…4 million people who don’t know their way around. And I’m going to be right in the thick of the clusterfuckery (look it up). I finagled tickets to the Black Tie & Boots Inaugural Ball put on by the Texas State Society. Anyone know where I can find a pair a of cowboy boots and a bola tie?

To be continued…

Oh Nine, So Fine

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy 2009 to ye. Some of you may just be coming out of the groggy haze of your New Year’s Eve hangover…welcome. My eve was low key and low cost…dinner with friends and hopped to a couple different house parties. No cover charges, no wading through a sea of drunks, and no silly hats. Also, I wasn’t in front of a TV until the final countdown and, for some reason, the broadcast of choice was CNN, so I didn’t have to see stroked out Dick Clark awkwardly mumble his way through the end of the year. There was more time to party this year, and I’m not referring to the extra leap second that we were afforded. It was so cold, time slowed down. As I walked to the second party of the evening, my resolution was to make it to ’09 with an even number of ears.

So, we’re a week into the new year and I’m doing what I can to start things off on a good note. I spent the day off cleaning out my apartment…out with the old crap to make room for…new crap. My primary hope for this year is that I can cobble out a calendar of gigs that’ll resemble that of a professional comedian. To that end, allow me to suggest you spend the first weekend of the year laughing in my general direction. I’ll be featuring at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory, this weekend. Three nights, seven shows, and DRINKS ARE ON ME…you heard me. You pay for the laughs and you can grease your collective skids gratis. Simply print out this coupon…


Click the link for tix and info. See you in Charm City…

I’ve got a couple other things I want to cover, but they’ll wait ’til the next installment.

To be continued…

Dorks In Their Natural Habitat

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a fluffy nougat-filled ‘ween. Mine was fun. When it came to my costume, I did more waffling than the breakfast buffet at the Belgian embassy. Should I go low effort and rehash the old “Clark Kent mid-change into Superman”, maybe go the cute route with a clown nose, or should I try something new? I decided on the latter, dusting off a neglected cloak that I picked up at the Renn Fest a couple years ago. From there it was whether I went the route of Jedi with my plastic light saber (I sense you’re judging me…stop it…I can feel your look) or try to adapt an idea I saw in a Speed Bump cartoon. Again, option B won out. I give you The Grim Raker…


I ditched the the rake shortly after that picture was taken. It was a pain in the ass to lug around. Plus, the number of eyes that thing could put out is staggering. I was a walking insurance claim. Cool cloak, though…I’m available for children’s parties, by the way. So, my friends and I decided to forgo the usual overpacked Halloween party for something a little different. We went to the Warehouse Theater to check out Diamond Dead, a zombie rock show. We had previously been to one other undead rock show, Bite, the topless vampire revue in Vegas. This one was about a rock band back from the dead with a concert within a show vibe. These were zombies for change…midway through the show, a Sarah Palin look-a-like performed her own musical number, stripping down to a red, white, and blue bikini, while humping her toy shotgun. She was eventually disemboweled and eaten by the band. I’m sure that statement will seal up the flesh-eating demographic for Obama.

On to the title of the blog. Like many of you, I am a Facebookworm (patent pending). My day isn’t complete without sharing my status with my legion of digital chums. Well, on Friday, I posted this as my status: Jared Stern sleeps above the covers…FOUR FEET above the covers. A classic line from Ghostbusters. Here’s what that begat. Witness dorks in their natural habitat…

David D. at 12:20pm October 31
He barks, he drools….

Seth V. at 12:30pm October 31
It’s not Jared, Dave it’s the building

David D. at 12:34pm October 31
Cats and dogs…Living together!!! Mass hysteria!!

Seth V. at 12:44pm October 31
mother pussbucket….I could do this all day long

David D. at 12:46pm October 31
Yes, it’s true….this man is a dick…serve back to you, Seth…

Seth V. at 12:49pm October 31
I think the quote is…
everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here
they caused an explosion
is this true
yes it’s true …this man has no dick

Good lord I need help

Jared S. at 1:05pm October 31
Tell him about the twinkie…

Seth V. at 1:08pm October 31
well lets say this twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York Area…Based on this mornings reading it would be a twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 pounds

David D. at 1:08pm October 31
Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown….

David D. at 1:08pm October 31
that’s a big twinkie…

Seth V. at 1:10pm October 31
we’ve been going about this all wrong, this mr stay puffs okay, he’s a sailor, he’s in new york we get this guy laid we won’t have any trouble

David D. at 1:10pm October 31
I looked at the trap, Ray…

Seth V. at 1:13pm October 31
Symmetrical book stacking…Just like the Philadelphia turbulence of 1947…You’re right no human being could stack books like this

Jared S. at 1:13pm October 31
I collect spores, molds, and fungus

Seth V. at 1:15pm October 31
Listen….do you smell something

David D. at 1:17pm October 31
Ray, when somebody asks if you are a god, you say YES!

Jared S. at 1:20pm October 31
Do you want some coffee?
Do I?
Yes, have some.
Yes, have some…

David D. at 1:24pm October 31
Remember? The nice lady who paid us in advance before she became a dog…

Seth V. at 1:25pm October 31
Well this is great, if the ionization rates are constant for ectoplasmic entities… we can really bust some heads….in the spiritual sense, of course

David D. at 1:32pm October 31
Jared, your status message has satiated the beast that hungered within me…

Seth V. at 1:33pm October 31
Yes, thank you Jared

Patrick S. at 1:40pm October 31
Are you, Jared, menstruating right now?

Seth V. at 1:43pm October 31
What does that have to do with it?
Back off man, I’m a scientist

David D. at 2:00pm October 31
Ok, who brought the dog?

Todd B. at 2:01pm October 31
That’s Nova Scotia salmon. The real thing. It costs $24.95 a pound but really $12.48 a pound net after tax. I’m writing this whole party off as a promotional expense. That’s why I invited clients instead of friends. Try that Brie, it’s dynamite at room temperature. Maybe I should turn the heat up a bit …

Todd B. at 2:02pm October 31
Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming. Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership, but Annette is drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago and the house has $15,000 left at eight percent.

Jared S. at 2:04pm October 31
Where do these stairs go…?
They go up.

David D. at 2:08pm October 31
-What are you supposed to be, some kinda cosmonaut?
-No, we’re exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on 12.
-That’s gotta be some cockroach.
-Bite your head off, man…

David D. at 2:11pm October 31
-Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon…what have you got left?
-Sorry, Peter- I’m terrified beyond all capacity for rational thought…

Seth V. at 2:12pm October 31
Hi this is Larry King, the phone in topic…Ghosts and Ghostbusting. The controversy builds more sightings are reported. Some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators are the cause of it all

Jared S. at 2:13pm October 31
Hello. I’m Peter. Where are you from…originally?

Seth V. at 2:14pm October 31
Is it possible that we have blown this way out of proportion and that Jared in fact does sleep four feet above his covers…using some sort of crazy rigging device that we just don’t know about?

David D. at 2:16pm October 31
-Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
-It would have worked if you hadn’t stopped me.

Seth V. at 2:19pm October 31
still making headlines across the country the ghostbusters are at it again this time at the fashionable dance club “the rose” The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist and then stayed on to dance the night away with some lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance…This is Casey Casem and now on with the countdown…..

Todd B. at 2:22pm October 31
I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it! LET’S DO IT!

Seth V. at 2:26pm October 31
I remember revelations 7:12 …and I looked and he opened the 6th seal and behold there was a great earthquake and the sun became as black as sackcloth and the moon became as blood

Jared S. at 2:31pm October 31
But if I’m right…Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

Jared S. at 2:34pm October 31
Who are you guys?
We’re the Ghostbusters
Who does your taxes?

Seth V. at 2:40pm October 31
Are you troubled by strange noises in the night
Do you experience feeling of dread in your basement or attic
Have you or your family every seen a spook spectre or ghost
If the answer is yes then don’t wait another minute call the professionals Ghostbusters
Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs
We’re ready to believe you

Fin. Go vote.