Post Sportem

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Happy Cinco de Mayo to one and all. It’s always nice when it falls on May the 5th. I hope everyone is enjoying your day with a hint of lime. Just please don’t squeeze that lime into the paper cut that has been sliced between the fingers of the DC sports landscape these past two days. It is turning into a monumentally shitty week for DC area sports. First, the Caps, the city’s only hope for a championship, laid a giant turd on the ice and got swept out of the playoffs by a hockey team from Florida. Florida? I’m not sure they even have ice in their arena. It’s just cold plexiglass. Their zamboni is a guy on a tricycle with a bottle of Windex. It’s kinda like getting beat in beach volleyball by a team of Eskimos.

Now, word has come out of the University of Maryland that not only has their best player, Jordan Williams, decided to jump ship for the NBA, but coach Gary Williams is retiring. That’s a Williams a day. As a Terp for life (I have a key chain to prove it), this sucks out loud. When I saw the news on the ESPN crawl, I was so despondent I almost set fire to my couch. I understand that Gary was probably getting tired of the game that college basketball has become, trying to squeeze everything he could from players that didn’t have what it took to leave early and go to the NBA. I’m actually curious which came first. Did Gary decide to retire because Jordan left prematurely or did Jordan bail because he found out Gary was leaving? Either way, it’s a bad scene for the Terps.

For as long as I was there (and I was there awhile… just short of tenure), it was Garyland. The students fed off of his fuming energy. It won’t be the same without him chewing out the bench when a player on the floor makes a dumb mistake, threatening to cut off a pinky if they do the same thing. Not only is this bad for UMD, but it’s catastrophic for his dry cleaner. I hope that guy doesn’t have any gambling debts, because that business is going under. He probably bought a 40 foot racing sloop and named it Gary’s Pits. When Gary Williams broke a sweat, they had to sand bag the sideline. One of those kids with the mops just followed him around during the game. Hopefully, the school will do the right thing an build a commemorative fountain, with the water cascading down his back. We’ll miss you, Gary. Thanks for the memories, for the tirades, and for the title.

See you soon. Maybe not Friday, but soon.

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Streak Free Sheen

Hey there, ‘Redheads… The circus is in town, as Charlie Sheen’s Violent Tirade Of Drug Addled Catchphrases Tour has wrecked its train in DC tonight. It’s been roughly three weeks since he concocted this tour and the novelty of Sheen’s ramblings have worn off. We’re all coming to the realization that Charlie is no Gary Busey. I host a trivia night in DC on Tuesday nights and a couple people in the bar were pre-gaming before the show tonight. They said that the start time had been pushed back an hour to 9pm because Charlie had to be at a custody hearing in L.A. today. It’s 10:45 right now. I’ve got five bucks that says the show hasn’t started yet. When he does finally hit the stage, there’s only a couple things that I think will hold the attention of the gawking masses. Either he juices a live tiger, then does a keg stand over the carcass, or he does a staged reading of Major League. Otherwise, people will make their way to the ticket counter and demand loudly, “Refunding!”

Apparently, Charlie’s whack-job antics have rubbed off on other celebrities recently. Nicolas Cage was recently arrested for disturbing the peace at a tattoo parlor in New Orleans. That’s so unlike him. Really, I’m shocked that Nicolas Cage would do such a thing…

See you Wednesday.

Friday Night Videos

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Another gorgeous day in DC-land. Ice cream men and women got themselves a bonus day to peddle popscicles if they were able to wake from their hibernation, wipe the sleep out of their eyes, and jump start the truck. Everyone was out and about today, test driving frisbees and letting children off their leashes to frolic. I hope you got your lazy butts outside and cleansed your insides with some fresh spring-like air. If you did, cherish it because in a matter of moments that fresh air is going to whip up 50+ mile per hour winds and try to forcibly take that breath back. I’d like to go a week without the weather forecast including something out of a biblical wrath story. Topper Shutt might as when grow a beard like Evan Almighty at this point. You’ve enjoyed the good, so now it’s time to hunker down and outlast the oncoming bad. To that end, for your viewing pleasure, and so I don’t have to type as much, I offer some shiny moving pictures to gawk at rather than twist in the wind…

I give you action…

I give you sarcasm…

And I give you kids saying the darndest things…

Are you not entertained? Then go fly a kite. Except tonight, the kite flies you. I don’t know what I’m talking about either. See you Monday.