Shiva H. Vishnu

Hey there, ‘Redheads… The internet is a strange wonderful cornucopia stuffed with all kinds crazy crap… That metaphor kind of lost steam there, but trust me, the guys operating the “Batshit Crazy Video” chute at the Internet Factory have churned out a glorious nugget of awesome. Enjoy…

I, for one, welcome our new Indian overlords. It’s like someone took Blue Man Group, Jackass, and the cast of Slumdog Millionaire, put them in the Street Fight match between Shane McMahon and Kurt Angle at the 2001 King of the Ring (google it). The sheer terror on the female judge’s face looks like she got a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant. Speaking of which, the only thing that would’ve made this video better is if this happened at the end…

Bravo, Internet… Bravo…

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See Me… Feel Me… Book Me…

Hey there, ‘Redheads… This has turned into a lazy Thursday. No plans. Completely unencumbered with anything to do. And I could’ve gone outside and enjoyed the great weather, but no, I twiddled my thumbs on the interwebs and before I knew it, darkness had fallen with nothing to show for it except two bleary bloodshot eyes staring back at me when I happened to catch my reflection in the computer screen. At least, I hope those were my eyes. Anyway, I decided to fill up this space with some of my upcoming comedy gigs, so if you wanted to see me live and in person, or if you wanted to know how better to avoid me, that info would be at your eager little fingertips. Also, any comedy bookers out there who crave my brand of mild amusement, this information can better help you find out when I might be available to trade some funny for some money.

And away we go:
APRIL 15 (TOMORROW NIGHT): At the Barking Dog in Bethesda, MD for a District Live Comedy Event with Brian Parise, Martin Plant, and Jeff Maurer
APRIL 22 & 23: At the Comedy Zone in Warwick, RI
APRIL 28-30: At the Baltimore Comedy Factory, opening for Bill Bellamy
MAY 20 & 21: At the Comedy Zone in Myrtle Beach, SC
JUNE 10 & 11: At Moxie’s in Statesville, NC
JUNE 24 & 25: At the Comedy Zone in Lynchburg, VA
JULY 8 & 9: At the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg, PA

See you Friday. And hopefully at some of these shows. C’mon, people.

Storm of Brain

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome back to Blogust… And welcome to any new readers who found me through DCBlogs.com. Apparently, the last installment got picked up on their feed because they deemed mini-golf, dinosaurs, and large blocks of styrofoam to be awesome. I won’t argue with good taste.

I meant to squeeze another installment into July, but the power outage from that apocalyptic storm we had tear through here last week threw a flying monkey wrench into my plans. It’s tough to blog from Amish country. At one point, I removed the buttons from my remote control because they were too proud. Not only did I lose power for the better part of three days, but the jolt that knocked out the power also blew out the motor on my refrigerator. When the lights finally did come back on, I was greeted by a stench that could’ve knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon. All the food I had in there was more spoiled than Paris Hilton’s chihuahua. So, in order to prevent a hazmat team from quarantining my condo, I double bagged a hefty, put on some gloves, and dug a mass grave for all of my perished perishables. I’m pretty sure I heard a voice say, “Zuul”. By the way, a great name for a band: Hot Dairy. They’d be a funk band, of course. I realize that all this was a minor inconvenience compared to some of the actual catastrophe that was wrought by this swift but powerful storm. I could’ve lived here…Luckily, the family that lived here was on vacation at the time. Good thing they’re used to hotel living. Yeesh. What is up with the weather around here? It’s calmed down in the last couple of days, but we went through a stretch where it was 112 in the shade, then there was an earthquake, then a storm that’s like a tornado fucked a hurricane hits from out of nowhere. Would you be surprised by locusts at this point? Because I wouldn’t be. God must’ve gotten a parking ticket in Bethesda or something.

After dealing with all of that mess, I welcomed a weekend performing at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Charm City is always good to me and this slate of shows was no exception. Big thanks to Cara and the crackerjack staff for they do to make a shlub like me feel at home. I got a chance to work with the very funny Drew Fraser. It was fun to watch him work because our vocal styles are so different. Stand-up comedy is alot like surfing. Instead of water, we ride waves of laughter that ripple out from the main joke with tag lines and vocal cues. With each wave, you try to add something that’ll keep the ripples flowing. Drew creates a tsunami with screaming. I’ve not heard a comic that loud since Sam Kinison. He conducted a cacophonous symphony that was fun to watch, if a little painful to listen to. The audience was gasping for breath at one point. Another fun side note to the weekend was that Otakon, the anime convention, was in town, so I got to see socially awkward types with patchy facial hair dressed like Link from Legend of Zelda mingle with the usual freaks that roam Baltimore’s streets. It was an odd cross section of humanity.

I’ll leave you with this fun little ditty…

If you’re not giggling, you’re not human.

To be continued…

Snow Means Snow…

Hey there ‘Redheads… Remember, in the last installment, when I told everyone to just get a hold of yourselves, and not give the impending snow an imposing name because it would only serve in blowing everything out of proportion? Well, upon further review… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! Ok, nature, we get it. Enough with the cold fluffy death from above. I wasn’t in town for the brunt of it, but I was watching the Georgetown game on ESPN and they kept showing exterior shots of the Verizon Center. 30+ inches in some places. You know it’s a lot of snow when it’s not safe to let midgets roam free. And now, we need to brace ourselves for potentially 20 inches or more. If this next storm maxes out, snowplows aren’t going to cut it. We’re going to need AT-ATs. When nature flexes it’s muscle, why fight it? I think it’s a great chance to appreciate the beauty behind the brute force. This morning I saw where the weight of the snow had brought down a tree on top of a speed camera. Now that’s fuckin‘ beautiful. Clock that, you asshole.

Like I mentioned, I was able to skip town before the area got completely frost bitten. I made it down I-95 to one of my favorite comedy clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. I wasn’t able to escape the weather entirely. We got torrential rain, which turned to snow, which turned to ice. No major accumulations, but just enough to make residents lose their minds. In order to keep from going completely stir crazy in my room that didn’t have a functional remote control, I ventured out to the local multiplex. The only thing that was starting when I showed up was Avatar. I wasn’t keen on seeing it, but any port in a storm. I had heard all the reviews… 3-D visuals with a 2-D story. I’ll admit it. The 3-D was pretty cool. A pinata from which an endless stream of eye candy spilled. I’m pretty sure I got eyeabetes. My left eye was a bleary bloodshot mess after mainlining nearly 3 hours of smurftastic special effects. It was not ungood

Not Cameron’s best, by a long shot, but it will change the way you watch movies…they’ll be more expensive now.

Once the weekend fun was done, I had to make the trek back home. I was moving at a pretty brisk clip, until I reached the rain/snow line near Fredricksburg. I-95 was a caked on mess. It was so pock marked with potholes, you’d think it had been renamed Edward James Olmos highway. The last 40 miles of my trip took roughly 2 hours, but I made it home to find a parking space carved out and my power and heat running. Not only that, but I got home in time to warm my cockles by watching my Terps beat the tar out of North Carolina. Coupled with a great win for the Caps, that would normally be a great sports weekend, but there was still the Super Bowl left to play. I enjoyed the game. It was close, there were some great signature plays, and the Colts lost, so I was happy… The one thing that irked me was the combined point total, and that it wasn’t higher than the age of the band playing halftime. Seriously, The Who have been around longer than the Super Bowl. The ads were ok. Nothing really stood out among the talking babies and the screaming chickens.

After you dig out of the snowverkill, come dig me in Charm City this weekend…Print out this coupon and drinks are on the house…Bask in the warm glow of mild amusement.

To be continued…

Take Two Pillows…

Good morning, ‘Redheads… It’s Day 2 of Blog-A Day in May and, so far, I haven’t missed a day (small victories, people). I’m working on about 3 hours of sleep after doing three shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last night, then having to scrape myself out of bed with a spatula to come to work this morning. I am formerly hausted. Normally, I try to work my schedule so I don’t have to do the day job on a Factory weekend, but things didn’t quite work out this time, so I’ll be spending today shambling around like an extra in a George Romero flick (brains, anyone?…anyone?). And that last show was a complete drunken fustercluck.

Allow me to explain. First, let me say that the Factory is one of my favorite clubs. The staff is great, the place is a block away from a Five Guys, and the crowds are generally awesome. However, the Factory does two things that alot of other clubs don’t…they have a late late show on Friday night and they offer all-you-can-drink tickets to entice patrons. This can create a perfect storm for drunken mayhem in the audience, making it a crapshoot for the comics stepping on stage. By “crapshoot”, I meant the crowd could literally begin shooting crap at you. Basically, the crowd was too drunk to want to pay attention, and those that did thought they were participating in some sloshed McLaughlin Group, with every joke being a chance for a drunk slunt (look it up) to try to make the show all about them. Oy vey. I felt like I should’ve started my set with, “We, who are about to die, salute you!” But that was just last night and I needed blog material. I’ve also been a part of some great Friday late late shows there. Just sayin’…last night’s crowd stunk out loud.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the passing of two showbiz greats. Yesterday, Sin City lost one of it’s biggest performers, Danny Gans. He died in is sleep at age 52. I never got to see Danny Gans, but whenever I was planning a trip to Vegas, my parents would always tell me to go to his show. He was a musical impressionist…not exactly my brand of vodka, but everyone tells me he was amazing…

Also, last weekend, the world lost Bea Arthur. Instead of thanking her for being a friend, I thought I’d share a rare clip of her with the late great Harvey Korman in… The Star Wars Holiday Special. I shit you not. Stick with it, she shows up about a minute in. Enjoy.

Bea, we hardly knew ye…

See you tomorrow…

It Begins…

Hey there ‘Redheads… I wanted to squeeze one last installment into April, since this month has been so sparse. I do plan to pick up the slack. As some of you might remember, I am a fan of the occasional stunt blog. So, I’d like to announce my latest attempt to boost readership, Blog-A-Day in May. Last year, I tried Joke-A-Day in May, which lasted about 10 days before it sputtered and went kaput. I think I can keep this one going…for at least that long. We’ll see. So, everyday in May, you’ll get a quickie that’ll either be a random nugget or a recap from my comedy travels…basically, what you usually get, just not spaced weeks apart.

The hysteria du jour is the dreaded swine flu…the pig plague…the pork pandemic. The CDC recently quarantined three houses. One was made of straw, one was made of wood, and the other was made of brick. I’m not worried about contracting swine flu. Not because there are only 100 cases in the entire country of 300 million people, but because I’ve vaccinated myself…with 10cc of bacon fat. I latest wrinkle in this story is that Orthodox Jews have taken offense to the name “swine flu”, because pigs aren’t kosher. This makes no sense to me. Maybe if it was called “swine kampf”, then I could see why it would be offensive.

I found this little gem on YouTube the other day and I thought I’d share. Enjoy…

I’m at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend with Reverend Bob Levy, from the Howard Stern Show. This kicks off my seven week comedy mini-tour. I’m in Harrisburg next weekend and the DC Improv after that. If you plan to swing by the Factory this weekend, drinks are on me…

See you tomorrow…

Maddening

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Greetings from beyond the flowing rivers of green beer and vomit. I hope everyone had a Happy St. Viviana’s Day…never heard of it? That’s probably because I just made it up. She’s the patron saint against hangovers and headaches…so, who better to name the day after St. Patrick’s Day for? I’d like to nominate someone else for patron sainthood (can a Jew do that?). I think Jack Bauer should be the patron saint of badasses. I watched Jack kill a man, then start up a truck with the same bloody screwdriver. Somebody call Vince from the ShamWow and SlapChop commercials, because I’ve got a feeling the StabStart is gonna be bigger than the Snuggie. By the way, if the blog seems mintier than usual, it’s because this blogging session is being fueled by Girl Scout Thin Mints. That’s right, Thin Mints, making poops smell like altoids since 1980.

So, I should break a small bit of crappy comedy news to you. You may remember in an earlier installment, when I was touting an upcoming feature spot at the DC Improv. Yeah, well…turns out I’ve been bumped from that stratosphere back down to earthly hosting duties. The headliner is bringing his own guy to feature. No worries, though…it’ll still be a fun slate of sold-out shows…just less of me. Me concentrate. So, come check out less of me May 14-17 with Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Click the link for tix and info.

And thanks to everyone who came out to the shows at the Baltimore Comedy Factory last weekend. Apparently, people that I don’t know either read the blog or stalk me on Facebook, because plenty of printed out coupons with my name on them showed up and I didn’t recognize any of the drunken masses as they filed past me and ignored my attempts to sell CDs. So, here’s to my supposed fan base.

Congrats to my Terps for squeaking their way into the big dance. They kick off what’ll hopefully be a deep run in the tourney on Thursday. Here’s the thing with having them in the tourney…I have to try to fill out my brackets without seeming disloyal. If they play up to their potential, they can beat anyone in the country, so it might be easy to justify a national title run, but I have to bet with my head instead of my heart. I’d love to see a UMD/Morgan St. rematch in the championship game, but that’s just not gonna happen. The 2009 brackets might as well be pinned on a dart board this year. Any one of about ten teams could conceivably win it all. Once the games tip off, I fully expect my brackets to collapse like a game of Jenga in the Parkinson’s ward. Heck, this year the tourney could be won by Stone Cold Steve Austin, who will be playing Syracuse 5 on 1…he gets a steel chair, of course. And this year, President Obama has filled out a Baracket. I think he picked UNC to win it all. As a country, we better hope they do because I think he bet the bailout money on it.

In case you care, here’s my Final Four prediction:


MIDWEST REGION: WAKE FOREST
WEST REGION: MEMPHIS
EAST REGION: PITT
SOUTH REGION: SYRACUSE
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: WAKE vs. SYRACUSE
NCAA CHAMPION: SYRACUSE


Book it. Let the games begin.