Pollenized

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I’m getting the blog out of the way early today because I’m pretty sure my brainbox will be completely congested with pollen by the end of the day. My head feels like it’s in geosynchronous orbit with my body. Every breath has to labor through a cloud of the crap that’s in my lungs. I’m tempted to cram a dustbuster up my nose, flip the switch to high, and suck out the offending particles, and if some brain matter goes with it, so be it. Anyway, I’ve got some random crap to tide you over until I can unclog things. Basically, whatever comes up in the lottery popper of my brain is coming out here. And away we go…

Bacon is a meat shrinky dink.

I’m fascinated by the recent viral videos of babies laughing at various things landing those babies on morning shows. Like this one…

Sure, babies are cute and you have to be an inhuman monster to not at least smile when they laugh, but there’s no reason to make YouTube celebrities out of these kids. It’s not fair for their 15 minutes to be up before they can even walk. Besides, they don’t know what their laughing at. I’d like to make one of these videos with a baby laughing at a TV, then have the camera pan around to show that it’s laughing at 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

As I drive around the DC area, I see signs that indicate three levels of traffic enforcement. There’s “Traffic Photo Enforced,” “Traffic Radar Enforced,” and “Traffic Strictly Enforced.” With the first two, you know what your getting, either a camera or a speed trap nearby. But what are you getting with “strictly enforced”? I picture a cop with a disappointed look sternly wagging his finger as you drive by. And if you do get pulled over, “Sir, please turn off your car and hand me the keys. You’re in time out. You can have these back once you’ve learned your lesson.”

See you Wednesday.

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C is for Crap

Hey there, ‘Redheads… I saw something truly horrifying on TV yesterday. Given the amount of raw horror that spills out of the tube on a regular basis and how numb we’ve become to it, we’re not easily shocked anymore. Birds fall out of the sky? Ho hum. We’re jaded. But this nugget of odium came from an unlikely place: a diaper commercial…

Oh sure, it looks like a cute commercial, but think about what you just watched. A judged contest to see which child can take the more massive crap, on a stage in front of cheering fans that are snapping cell phone pictures. You see a cute baby cartoon. I see a grim window into the future of televised reality competitions. This does seem like the next logical step after competitive eating. And sure, some people in the crowd are there to cheer on their favorite baby but, just like people watch NASCAR to see the crashes, some sick bastards are there just to see a rupture. And in our world of manufactured celebrity, somebody will try to pass this off as a genuine spectator sport. Hey, everyone does it, right? UPS could sponsor. ABC will pass on it and FOX will add it to the line up after American Idol. You just watched and voted on people singing, now watch and vote on what comes out the other end. Yeesh.

Don’t let crap like that infect your soul. Come out to Magooby’s tonight to cleanse your soul with some comedy and charity. Right now, they’re roughly 22 hours into the 81 hour marathon. They need audience members. The show is FREE. Just drop something in the bucket for Special Olympics and you get as much comedy as you can handle. I’m on at 8pm tonight, followed by Ayanna Dookie, Rob Maher, and Mike Way.

See you there…