Bookish

Hey there ‘Redheads… I’ll go ahead and admit it, this installment is a bit of a cop out. I’m not quite feeling the usual blog vibe, so here’s a list of fake book titles instead. I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled random ramblings next time. Enjoy…

Eugenics For Dummies

Everything You Wanted To Know About Rhetorical Questions, But Were Afraid To Ask Yourself

Investment Sperm Banking

A Song in My Heart, A Hand Up My Ass: The Autobiography of Kermit the Frog

12 Steps Back: A Guide to Relapse

Facebook As An Alibi

Even You Can Be Condescending

13 Ways To Conquer Triskaidekaphobia

Happiness Through Better Hatred

Proactive Apathy

Cough Your Way To Six-Pack Abs

Lose Weight While You Eat

Men Are From Mars, Gay Men Are From Uranus

Sell Your Roommate’s Organs

Why The Voices Make A Good Point

Green: Make Money Recycling Mucous

Sell Your Identity For Fun and Profit

Dead Pet Recipes

How To Be Constructively Awful

Your Ass As Ad Space

Live Life Vicariously

Act Tough, Sue Big

Goldschlager: Turn Your Pee Into Riches

How To Take Credit For Really Good Ideas

Treasure Maps In The Bible

The Nerf Cookbook

Ransom As a Second Income

No Brain, No Headache

Do-it-yourself Blood Transfusions

Living Will Mad-Libs

Dyslexics For Book The

Annexing Your Neighbor’s House

The Nutritional Value of Dandruff

Off-Color Hand Gestures

The Ipecac Diet

Make Your Own Breast Implants From Pudding

Office Depot Surgery: From Stomach Stapling to Testicle Paper-clipping

Instant Sleep Over: Fun With Narcolepsy

Sign Language For Double Amputees

The Scratch n’ Sniff Nipple Book

The Where’s Waldo Code

Radiation: The Thin Line Between Super Hero and Cancer Patient

Better Luck Next Time: Why Jesus Has Already Returned and We Probably Killed Him Again

Settling Disputes With Russian Roulette

Ethiopia On 85 Cents A Day

Teaching Your Dog To Pick Up Your Poop

Beatboxing For Stutterers

To be continued…

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Storm of Brain

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome back to Blogust… And welcome to any new readers who found me through DCBlogs.com. Apparently, the last installment got picked up on their feed because they deemed mini-golf, dinosaurs, and large blocks of styrofoam to be awesome. I won’t argue with good taste.

I meant to squeeze another installment into July, but the power outage from that apocalyptic storm we had tear through here last week threw a flying monkey wrench into my plans. It’s tough to blog from Amish country. At one point, I removed the buttons from my remote control because they were too proud. Not only did I lose power for the better part of three days, but the jolt that knocked out the power also blew out the motor on my refrigerator. When the lights finally did come back on, I was greeted by a stench that could’ve knocked a buzzard off a shit wagon. All the food I had in there was more spoiled than Paris Hilton’s chihuahua. So, in order to prevent a hazmat team from quarantining my condo, I double bagged a hefty, put on some gloves, and dug a mass grave for all of my perished perishables. I’m pretty sure I heard a voice say, “Zuul”. By the way, a great name for a band: Hot Dairy. They’d be a funk band, of course. I realize that all this was a minor inconvenience compared to some of the actual catastrophe that was wrought by this swift but powerful storm. I could’ve lived here…Luckily, the family that lived here was on vacation at the time. Good thing they’re used to hotel living. Yeesh. What is up with the weather around here? It’s calmed down in the last couple of days, but we went through a stretch where it was 112 in the shade, then there was an earthquake, then a storm that’s like a tornado fucked a hurricane hits from out of nowhere. Would you be surprised by locusts at this point? Because I wouldn’t be. God must’ve gotten a parking ticket in Bethesda or something.

After dealing with all of that mess, I welcomed a weekend performing at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory. Charm City is always good to me and this slate of shows was no exception. Big thanks to Cara and the crackerjack staff for they do to make a shlub like me feel at home. I got a chance to work with the very funny Drew Fraser. It was fun to watch him work because our vocal styles are so different. Stand-up comedy is alot like surfing. Instead of water, we ride waves of laughter that ripple out from the main joke with tag lines and vocal cues. With each wave, you try to add something that’ll keep the ripples flowing. Drew creates a tsunami with screaming. I’ve not heard a comic that loud since Sam Kinison. He conducted a cacophonous symphony that was fun to watch, if a little painful to listen to. The audience was gasping for breath at one point. Another fun side note to the weekend was that Otakon, the anime convention, was in town, so I got to see socially awkward types with patchy facial hair dressed like Link from Legend of Zelda mingle with the usual freaks that roam Baltimore’s streets. It was an odd cross section of humanity.

I’ll leave you with this fun little ditty…

If you’re not giggling, you’re not human.

To be continued…