iBlog

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re not even a month into 2010 and my blog muscles have begun to atrophy. Well, what’s not done is done. Let’s pretend you’ve missed me and move on. So, I just got done watching as much as my ADD would let me of the State of the Union address. I am not a political wonk (I’m more of a Willy wonk) but, from what I could piece together between flipping channels, Barack killed it. It’s so nice to have a president who is a comfortable public speaker. When Bush gave his SOTU’s, I always thought it was a neat trick when he’d keep talking while Cheney sipped his glass of water.

I’ve also been enjoying the bally-hoo surrounding the latest Apple gizmo, the iPad. This is basically an iPod touch for people with fat fingers and bad eyesight. It’s the giant calculator of our generation. When it comes to Apple products, I enjoy the classics…Old Reliable, the Apple IIc. Sturdy. Dependable. The thing is old enough to legally rent a car and it still works. The screen is a piercing monochrome green. I’ve absorbed enough radiation from it over the years that now, whenever I become angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs. The picture of it takes up more memory than it has. But now you crazy kids have your newfangled iPads. I think I remember seeing an ad for it awhile back…

On the sports front, it was nice to finally see a couple compelling NFL playoff games. That Vikings/Saints game was one of the best playoff games in recent memory. I’d like to thank the Vikings for letting me dust off one of my favorite lines to describe their 5 turnover performance… *Ahem* I’ve seen fewer balls thrown away at a dog neutering facility. Despite putting the ball on the ground (lookin’ like a fool with your ball on the ground) that many times, they were still in a position to win the game in the closing seconds. I don’t fault Favre for tossing that last interception. He was getting pounded like a veal cutlet for the whole game, so he was probably seeing double at that point. But then the game went to overtime, and this fierce contest between these two great teams was put in the hands of the refs and the review booth. An absolutely hideous pass interference call put the Saints in field goal range, and that was it. I’m not unhappy with the prospect of a Saints/Colts Super Bowl, but no amount of confetti could cover how crappy the end of that game was.

On Saturday night, I’m performing in the DC Improv Comedy Lounge with Jason Weems, Erik Myers, and Aparna Nancherla. They sold out the 8:00, so a 10:30 was added. Do yourself a favor, click on the link, and get your grubby mitts on some tix, while the getting is good. Even if you’re sick of me, this show is gonna be dynamite.

To be continued… iPromise…

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Randomimity

Hey there ‘Redheads… This recent cold snap has put a freeze on my planned blogging schedule, because I’ve been burning blog ideas for warmth. Jumpin‘ Jim Brunzell it’s cold. I wanted to shimmy a quick one in before the witching hour, so I just have a couple random tidbits for ye.

First, a quick word problem. On my way to work this morning, I spotted a man driving a sedan with a pink candy paint job, Louis Vuitton logos and dollar signs patterned on the roof and hood, and on the back was written “Bubble Gum Hunter” in pink. At 35mph, how fast should I call the cops?

The big sports news is Mark McGwire’s admission that he took steroids while he was putting baseballs into orbit en route to breaking Roger Maris’ hallowed single season home run record. Quite the revelation. Mark McGwire also revealed that his name is Mark McGwire. Most of us were convinced when he stood before congress and said, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” The only way we were going to be shocked was if, mid press conference, he did this. I’d like to state, for the record, that I have never taken performance enhancing drugs. And it shows.

Another shocking bit of news is that The Jay Leno Show sucks so bad that light can’t escape it. So, NBC decided to lance the boil on the ass of it’s prime time line-up. As a result, they’re giving Conan O’Brien a peacock right up the ass, trying to shove his Tonight Show to midnight to wedge Leno’s cartoonishly large chin in at 11:35. Well, Conan is wound up, and not just because Jay is torquing that knife in his back. When the dust from this shit storm settles, Jay will get his way, Conan will probably head up to FOX, and Jimmy Fallon will have the freakinTonight Show essentially fall in his lap. Which will make this picture seem all the more impressive…

In the wake of NBC’s shameless treatment of Conan O’Brien, I’d like to take a moment to shed some light on an oft overlooked problem…

Please give.

One quick plug before I wrap up. On Saturday, Jan. 30th, I’m part of a dynamite line-up at the DC Improv Comedy Lounge. Me, Chris White, Erik Myers, Jason Weems, and Aparna Nancherla. Even if you’re sick of me, this’ll be a great show. It will sell out. Get your tix by clicking here.

To be continued…

Happy New Blog

Hey there ‘Redheads… Well, we’re a week deep into a new decade. And I’m starting things off on a foot that’s asleep. I’ve done a big fat pile of jack so far. I wanted to get something down here, so the month doesn’t completely slip away from me. I get less done all day than most people do before 6am.

In the last installment, I wondered what the next cool futuristic scientific advancement lay ahead, since this is the future now (when? just now). Would it be the flying car, or teleportation, or a new M. Night Shyamalan movie that doesn’t suck? Well, I think I may have found it. BEHOLD…
The Pillow Hat. We dared to dream the impossible and now we can do that dreaming propped up against a wall. The bed is obsolete. With the Pillow Hat, the world is your bed. You combine this with a Snuggie and nap your brains out. You’ll need to hire someone to update your haircut and tell you who the president is when you finally do awaken. A great gift for the narcoleptic in your life. If the prospect of perpetual nap time doesn’t tickle your futuristic fancy, and you prefer a mechanical metaphor, then maybe this handy new gadget is for you…

This machine’s sole purpose is to turn itself off. I’ll take two.

More to come soon…