Running Lapse

Hey there ‘Redheads… As per usual, I started off this month with the best of blogging intentions, but apparently I couldn’t procrastinate more if I had a flux capacitor. It can’t be helped. It’s who I am… It’s what I do…eventually. Let’s not focus on the moments that’ve been frittered away. Let’s live in the now. At least momentarily, until I start telling you about the crap that happened during this most recent lapse.

The holiday season has descended upon us again. Here’s a holiday fun fact: Going to the grocery store for incidentals the week of Thanksgiving is the worst idea in the long sad history of bad ideas. Glaciers move faster than the checkout line I got stuck in. The lady at the front of the line was paying in food stamps. Behind her was a lady who was paying by check, then asked for cash back. I half expected the next person in line to make the transaction in wampum. I don’t mind wasting time, but when it’s being leeched from me, that’s when I get ornery. In the spirit of the impending Turkey Day, I offer a cornycopia of mild amusement. Giblets, at least.

This is one of my favorite times of the year for sports, when pro football and college basketball overlap. Unfortunately, this give my teams twice as many chances to stick a fork in my heart and twist. I just turned off the TV in disgust as the Terps got done making Cincinnati look like the alien team from Space Jam. We’re all crust and no cheese to stop up the middle. It’s early in the season, but this was our first test and we overslept. And, this just in, the Redskins still suck. They are to sucking what I am to procrastinating. It’s a gift. Light cannot escape them. It doesn’t help that their injury report is getting thick enough for Dan Snyder to use as a booster seat. Here’s a video from the ‘Skins sideline during the Cowboys game…

Last night, I had the weirdest dream. I was a contestant on Project Runway, and the challenge was to make an outfit out of Legos. Should it bother me that my dreams are about reality shows? I’m hoping tonight I can get on Top Chef and show off my mad George Foreman skills. Speaking of Top Chef, I got a medium rare opportunity to dine on some four star quality grub cooked by one of the final four cheftestants. If you find yourself in Frederick, MD, do yourself a favor and treat your taste buds to Chef Bryan Voltaggio’s restaurant, Volt. I was auditioning for the show Top Boyfriend and took my funny little honey there for her birthday. It was, top to bottom, one of the best meals I’ve ever had. I would’ve happily walked the green mile after dessert. If you’re a fan of Top Chef, then you have some idea of the intricacy that goes into preparing each course. This is not the kind of dining experience where you ask them to put the sauces on the side or leave something off the plate. Place your trust in the chef and let him guide you through a gastric wonderland. Then pack your knives and go.

Here’s a new bit of eye candy for you to suck on. When is comes to Muppets, I’m an old school guy. Not much, since Jim Henson left us, has captured the madcap glee of the past. This made me smile…

Before I sign off and prepare for my food coma, I need to congratulate my good friends, Chris and Allyson, on their engagement…and you know it’s real commitment when it gets posted on Facebook. Way to go, you crazy kids.

Happy Turkey Day, ‘Redheads… To gluttony! And to be continued…

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Unfinished Blogness, Part 2: Nuggets

Hey there, ‘Redheads… As promised in the previous installment, here’s another ladle of bloggy goodness that I’m hoping is still good slightly past the sell by date. Before we dive in, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention two things. First, to all of our enlisted men an women, a happy Veteran’s Day. Here’s to the Army and Navy and the battles they have won. Here’s to America’s colors, the colors that never run. May the wings of liberty never lose a feather. Second, a happy belated 40th birthday to Sesame Street. Here’s to another 40 years of sunny days sweeping the clouds away. Don’t party too hard…

Speaking of my googily-eyed babysitters, I spotted a story online that made me weep for the youth of today…

Sesame Street Dig at POX News Draws Backlash, Rebuke From PBS – A 2-year-old skit on Sesame Street that referenced a “trashy” news channel called POX News came under fire this week when conservative bloggers accused the long-running PBS series of a liberal bias. In the clip, Oscar the Grouch is a reporter for the Grouch News Network (GNN), but he bored one female viewer, who responds: “From now on, I’m watching Pox News. Now there’s a trashy news show!” Big Hollywood, the celeb blog founded by conservative writer Andrew Breitbart, called out the old skit (re-run this week) as a jab at the mega popular news network. “The message is clear,” a blogger named Stage Right noted, “I can’t even sit my kids in front of Sesame Street without having to worry about the Left attempting to undermine my authority.”

Really? You’re lumping Sesame Street into the liberal media? Let’s get a hold of ourselves here, people. Here’s a Muppet News Flash for you, last time I checked, Sesame Street is a children’s show. I’m pretty sure my 3 year-old nephew doesn’t know what a liberal bias is, let alone his left from his right, period. He just knows he likes Elmo. Like any show on television it’s trying to stay current and timely with a couple references to pop culture. If Oscar the Grouch can undermine your authority as a parent, maybe it’s time to put down the Tickle-Me-Limbaugh and start spending some time with little Newt. Seeing a liberal bias in Sesame Street is like seeing Darth Vader on your morning toast, and that’s just…
You are what you eat, is all I’m saying. Let’s let Big Bird and the gang the gang teach kids about sharing without calling them communists, ok?

We’ll be right back after this quick word from our sponsor…

…and we’re back.

Here’s another story that caught my eye…

HACKENSACK, N.J. – A jury convicted a Florida man Friday of murdering his former son-in-law, rejecting the man’s defense that he was too fat to have run up and down a flight of stairs to commit the crime and make a quick getaway. Edward Ates looked down and shook his head in court as he was found guilty of murder charges.

The evidence against him was pretty solid. The CSI found his powdered sugar finger prints all over the murder weapon. All joking aside, this is a sad story. This means when I eat an entire sleeve of Thin Mints, I can’t call it “establishing an alibi” anymore…ok, not all joking aside. Anybody else catch the guy’s last name? Ates. If you’re taking notes at home, kids, that story was brought to you by irony.

Before I sign off, here’s another piece of eye candy for you to suck on…

To be continued…

Unfinished Blogness

Hey there ‘Redheads… One of these blogs, I swear it won’t be necessary for me to apologize for my abject neglect. That blog is coming, but it ain’t this one… Sorry for the unacceptable lag in updates. Once again, it’s been proven that I can’t wait to procrastinate. Blogtober ended up with a downright paltry three entries, without a decent Halloween blog. Well, in an effort to snake out all of the backlogged blather, I give you a blog so bloated, so crammed to the gills, that it may too much for your eyes to handle in one sitting. You may need a bloggy bag. I’ve got enough stuff here to fill 3 or 4 installments. I’m of two minds as to how I should foist this upon you. Either I’ll give it to you in three heaping helpings over the week or I’ll combine all of it into a blog Devastator. We’ll see how quickly carpal tunnel sets in. Onward…

I hope everyone had a happy Monday. I’ve never understood why Mondays get such a bad rap. If your life is so crappy, that you cease to have fun once the week starts, maybe it’s not just time that isn’t your friend. I digress. This blog is about living in the then. Specifically, the then of roughly a week ago, Halloween. Like with everything else, I waited ’til the last minute and between plans and potential costume ideas, I was waffling more than the breakfast buffet at the Belgian Embassy. Luckily, my buddy Seth came through for me with a costume…

I was a glow-in-the-dork. Comic book fans will recognize me as the mechanized millionaire playboy, Tony Stark…if he were a nebbishy tub of goo. Once the costume was set, I needed a place to get my ‘ween on. If nothing materialized, I would’ve been more than happy with checking out a good zombie movie, like Zombieland or This Is It. Thankfully, since my friends haven’t tired of me just yet, I was allowed to tag along to a party in DC. I must admit, I thoroughly enjoyed hailing cabs with my light-up hand piece. We got to the party, which was being held in a one bedroom apartment…with a DJ. The place was packed, loud, and hot, three things that aren’t necessarily conducive to fun for me, since I’m a closet claustrophobic. I felt sorry for the people with large, unwieldy costume elements, like my buddy Joe, who went as Captain America, including the shield. Or my girlfriend, who went as an art gallery, which consisted of a sandwich board of two canvases…

The bulk of my evening was spent explaining either who I was or how my costume worked. The get up was much more impressive in the dark, but even then there were a bunch of people, mostly ladies, who had no clue. One gal, when I told her I was Iron Man, responded, “The race?” There was a surprising lack of dead celebrities in attendance. The only one I spotted was a David Carradine, in a Japanese robe and tasteful noose. There was no shortage of fellow crime fighters…

There was a small shortfall on dignity.

In the spirit of Halloween, such as it is on November 9th, here’s Sherman Helmsley (before he started calling plays for the Redskins) with a public service message…

My internet connection is being moody, so I’ll stop here and opt for the measured helpings throughout the week. Plenty more on the way. ‘Til then…