Everlasting Blogstopper

Hey there ‘RedheadsBlogust is just about over and, once again, I’m just about overdue. But, since we had a clog in the blog supply lines, there’s been a build-up of content…a bountiful corny-copia of anecdotes and witticisms await you. Sound the feasting horn. I’m just getting back to the grind after six straight days of shows and roughly 1300 miles driven.

I’ll get to that timeline in a bit, but first let’s wind the clock back 10 days to tell you about the show I did in Indian Head, MD with my good buddy, Chris White. I don’t know if you realize this, but Indian Head is a place of great historical significance. Maybe you read the book when you were a kid. Indian Head is where the sidewalk ends. There wasn’t much out there, except for the building excitement for the comedy cluster bomb we were about to drop.
We descended upon the Black Box Theater armed with good intentions and middling expectations. The place seated 85. We drew 23, elevating the show to rumor status. Those in attendance saw the premiere of our latest video sketch, which, if you’ll dim the lights at your desk, I’ll now show you. Enjoy The International Guilt-Off

Please to make us viral. Or at least bacterial. Make it worth a handi-wipe.

On to my week-long mild amusement tour of North Carolina. My trip was kicked off by my truck’s air conditioning compressor going kablooey, costing me roughly what I’d be making for the week. Good thing I don’t do this for the money…oh wait. With the repair done just in time for me to make the initial 6 hour schlep, I made my way to the first stop, Lake Norman. The show was above a fun little Irish pub called The Galway Hooker. Located directly across the street was a pole dancing school. There’s a recital I want to attend. I peeked in the window to take a gander…very clean mirrors. We had a surprisingly packed house for a Tuesday night. Good times. After the show, I got to talking to one of the hostesses at the bar downstairs. The conversation turned to future plans and she mentioned that her dream was to be an underwater welder. Add a midget playing bocce ball, and that would be an actual dream I once had. Apparently, underwater welding is a highly paid vocation. Probably because they know how to light a torch underwater. It makes me wish I had pursued that underwater basket weaving degree…to have a skill to fall back on.

Wednesday was a night off from the slate of shows, but I still wanted to be comedically productive. Luckily, my buddy John Betz Jr. lives in Raleigh and was able to to get me on a showcase he was headlining at Charlie Goodnight’s. When I got to Raleigh, I had some time to kill before meeting John at the club. Turns out, Goodnight’s is a stone’s throw from NC State, so I figured why not take a stroll through campus and see just how tough it is for a 33 year old to blend in. It’s back to school time, so there was a huge outdoor poster sale going on for the disaffected youth to adorn their dorms. I took a look at the selection. They were the same goddamn posters they sold when I was in college 12 years ago. Reservoir Dogs, Scarface, Pulp Fiction…don’t these kids have any cultural references of their own that’re worth slapping on a wall? After about a half hour of walking around in the heat, my ass crack became more of an ass creek, so I retreated to the car for an much needed blast of air conditioning. I scanned through the local radio stations and landed on a gospel station. They went to their station meteorologist for a weather report. I half expected him to say, “Whatever happens, it’s God’s will. Back to you.” It finally came time for the show, which was an open mic all stars show. A collection of the club’s finest regular local comics…and me. If you’ve never had the pleasure, do yourself a favor and get down to Goodnight’s. The Wednesday showcase was sold out and the crowd was amazing. Can’t wait to get back there.

After basking in the warm glow of Raleigh, it was off to Greenville for a show at the Comedy Zone. I’m a big fan of any place where you perform in the same location as your accommodations. It makes it easier to stumble to bed without risking injury. Good thing, because in Greenville I was introduced to sweet tea vodka. Holy crap, could I get into alot of trouble with that stuff. Not since somebody gave a baby a hand grenade has a combination been so dangerous. My one complaint about this trip through NC was the lack of sweet tea guzzling. The last time, with all the sweet tea I drank, I brought home a great souvenir of the trip…diabetes. The show went ok. A bit too much slack-jawed gawkery for my taste, but they can’t all be winners.

The rest of the trip went great. I’ve exhausted all the major tidbits, and I’m a smidge exhausted myself. Before I finish up, I’d like to unabashedly plug a few local shows I have coming up…

Friday, Aug. 28th – I’ll be making my return to the late night Bar Bacon Fun Time Comedy Show up in Baltimore. The line-up is pretty stacked… Andy Kline, Hampton Yount, Aparna Nacherla, and possibly Dr. Doom…you heard me.

Saturday, Aug. 29th

Sept. 13th – I’ll be opening up for the musical comedy duo, God’s Pottery, at DC9…more info to come, but mark your calendars accordingly.

To be continued…

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Blog #243

Hey there ‘Redheads… This installment is going to be a placeholder for a bigger blog that’ll get written this weekend and will include the debut of a brand new video sketch collaboration with comedy super friend, Chris White. Be sure to check out our previous work, conveniently linked on the right-hand side of the page. In the meantime, I’m going to go ahead and whore this space out to plug a big show on Saturday…

See you there…

And here with all of the aftershow afterglow…

I Is, Therefore I Am…

Hey there, ‘Redheads… It’s Friday, it’s Blogust, and I’m bored at work. So, why not wring some self-importance out of the spongy mass that does my thinking for me? This installment is a string of my favorite status updates from Facebook over the last month or so… I know, try to control yourselves. Some of these actually meet this blog’s standards of mild amusement. After you get done, I promise to have a couple videos and pictures to make up for that time you’ll never get back. So, put on your water wings, strap on your goggles, and take a dip in Lake Me…

Jared Stern started the day with toast… It may well be all downhill from here…

Jared Stern hopes Twitter gets back online, so I can resume not giving a shit…

Jared Stern bought the audio book for the Yellow Pages… Turns out, I really can listen to Morgan Freeman read the phone book…

Jared Stern is going to hit Rock Bottom tonight… The bar, not the figurative personal abyss…

Jared Stern thinks Victoria’s Secret should help the ladies during the economic slide and come out with a Financial Support Bra…

Jared Stern would like very much for the person who has my voodoo doll to stop with the poking… Thanks.

Jared Stern found out that today is National Tequila Day… Which makes tomorrow National Day of Regret…

Jared Stern heard some pundit say that health care reform could be Obama’s Waterloo, and now I have the chorus of that goddamn ABBA song stuck in my head…

Jared Stern suffers from Occasional Fatigue Syndrome…

Jared Stern came very close to committing seppuku with a golf pencil at trivia tonight, but our team roared back to win and dishonor was averted…

Jared Stern can’t get no statusfaction…

Jared Stern is drifting off into the black sleep of Kali Ma known as Zyrtec…

Jared Stern gained superhuman quickness when I realized my car might’ve been towed… Luckily, it wasn’t… Back to sloth mode…

Jared Stern forgot to read the instructions before I went to bed… My mattress has the sleep number of the beast…

Jared Stern isn’t sure… I’m either wishing I was asleep or dreaming that I’m awake…

See, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

A note to all of you hacks out there who insist on doing a Bill Cosby impression in your act, and think all it takes is mentioning a pudding pop. This is how it’s done…

That’s comedy buddy, Danny Rouhier on the radio with Joe Robinson and Mike Aronin. Note that aside from a question addressed to him, there is no mention of Jell-O pudding in the 4+ minutes of spot-on Cosby. He could host Picture Pages with that impression. So, unless you’re that good, maybe it’s time to drop Coz from the repertoire…and ixnay on the Ocidile-cray Unter-hay, while you’re at it.

Add another clip to the In Memoriam montage at this year’s Oscars… Director John Hughes died of a heart attack yesterday while on a walk in New York. Walking. The silent killer. Like everyone else in my age bracket, his movies were an integral part of our teen angst-riddled 80’s upbringing. Weird Science and Ferris Beuller’s Day Off are two of my personal favorites. Mr. Hughes, we won’t…forget about you…

To be continued…

Me Vs. Food

Hey there ‘Redheads… The last couple months since the blog whirlwind of May have been kinda slack. That’s all about to change… Welcome to Blogust. Aside from the gimmicky name, there probably won’t be any extra effort exerted on my part, but at least it sounds like I’m trying. Blogust won’t be lacking as far as stuff to blog about. This month is jam packed comedy-wise for me. It all kicked off this past weekend at Bogey’s Comedy Club just outside of Cleveland, OH.

Big thanks to Kirk and the rest of the fine folks at Bogey’s for making my first trip there a good one. I had a fun weekend with headliner, Nathan Timmel. We entertained dozens of people. Stupid summer time… C’mon, people… Why wouldn’t you want to spend your evening in a dark room, laughing at brightly lit idiots? We had fun with the people who chose to carpe noctem.

When you’re on the road, the shows are only half the fun. The other half is finding something entertaining to tick away the moments that make up a dull day. An easy way to kill a couple hours is at a movie matinee. Been there. Or maybe walk the local mall. Done that. I chose to challenge myself…to test my limits…to take a bite out of the giant burrito of life. Enter: Mike’s Place in Kent, OH. Home of The Stuanator…


The Stuanator is a double-decker cheeseburger sub, with six 1/2 pound burger patties, two kinds of cheese, french fries and curly fries, along with the usual fixin’s. Only 11 people have attempted to finish this behemoth in the allotted 30 minutes. To the victor go the spoils of a free t-shirt, a free sandwich, and immortality…until you keel over from the coronary. Only 2 have succeeded. I’m a glutton for…gluttony, so I figured I’d give it a go. When I announced that I’d be attempting the Stuanator, I became a celebrity inside the restaurant. People were snapping shots of me with their camera phones. One lady asked me to sign her menu. I had no idea what I was in for…


This was no sandwich. It was a space station. I started strong, despite my opponent being fresh and hot. My pace was slowed once I realized the enormity of the task in front of me. Absolutely everything had to be finished, down to the last pickle, for the challenge to be complete. Despite the swell of inspiration from witnessing the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest a scant month ago, and the words of encouragment from random gawking patrons, I was outmatched by this Das Boot of a submarine sandwich. I could feel my extremities getting tingly, and my field of vision started to narrow…


I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and I threw in the napkin. My eyes, and the sandwich for that matter, were bigger than my stomach. The owner, in his benevolence, gave me a free t-shirt for the attempt and they’re going to put my picture on the wall. May it serve as a warning to the next brave soul who might dare to plunge his fork into the heart of this Herculean hoagie. And no, I didn’t get a to-go box…


Yes, Mike’s Place now holds a special place in my heart…and colon. Keep an eye peeled in the weeks to come, the show Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel will be making its way down to Mike’s in the Fall to try and tame this hulk of a hero.

More blog soon…