And… Scene.

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re down to the last day of Blog-A-Day in May. For those of you who’ve stuck around for this long, drawn out, exercise in self-importance, congratulations. I hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as I’ve enjoyed doing it…to you. Don’t consider this last installment a payoff for your diligence… This one will be just as mildly amusing as the previous 30. And away we go…

If there’s one thing I slacked on whilst tripping the blog fantastic (fine…mediocre), it was the pretty pictures to go along with the over inflated wordage. In particular, some people clamored for visual evidence of my sunburn from last weekend. Since I don’t actually own a camera, I have to rely on other people to get the pictures. Well, this one finally came through… Watch. Wince. Repeat.

It’s tough to tell which is pastier, my thigh or my sock. The sock is white. The thigh is tragically white.

Had another fun couple of shows at the Greensboro Comedy Zone last night. Once again, it was a tale of two crowds. The early show was great. They laughed in all the right spots. They bought me shots on stage. They were picking up what I was puttin’ down. The late show was not as giving. I’m going to write a book about the late show, called “That Crowd Just Wasn’t That Into Me”.

So, today I had a couple hours to kill before driving to Fayetteville for two more shows tonight. I decided to go to the local Hooters, for some wings and polite ogling. While chit-chatting with my waitress, it came up that I was a comic. Unfortunately, I was within earshot of a couple guys who think thought I could use a new joke for my act. Before I knew it, one of them waddled over and leaned on the chair next to me and told me the following “joke” as I’m eating my wings (I’ll try to type it correctly)…

There’s this teenage girl who wants to borrow the family car. So she asks her daddy, “Daddy, can I have the car. It’s very important.” Well, it goes on and on. The dad says, “I’ll only lend it to you if you give me a blowjob.” The girl said, “What, Daddy?” So, they went back and forth, until the girl finally said ok. So, the dad drops his trousers and she starts going to town. She stops and spits and says, “Daddy, your dick tastes like shit.” He says, “Yeah, I know. Your brother wanted the car this morning.”

Bon appetit. I know that’s the kind of thing I would say, unsolicited, to a stranger. The question is, do I open with it or close with it?

Thanks for reading all month. Now that I’ve proven that I can do this more regularly, I suppose I should. Maybe Blog-Every-Other-Day-In-June…or something. Stay tuned.

To be continued…

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Blog Me To Hell…

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for the slipshod nature of yesterday’s post, but any port in a storm… I’ve been chugging along in this marathon, and I’m not going to let a digitally pulled hammy keep me from crawling across the finish line, out of breath, with chafed nipples. With said finish line in sight, onward and upward with Day 30 of Blog-A-Day in May.

Technology continues to be the bane of my blogular existence. I took my laptop down to the nearest Best Buy, so a geek in a tie could tell me there was absolutely nothing wrong with it as he connected immediately. I don’t recall running over a gypsy with this laptop anytime recently, so I’m pretty sure I’m not cursed. Right now, it’s basically a paper weight with a shoulder strap…for convenience. Anyway, I’m at a computer workstation at a goddamn Kinko’s, paying 20 cents a minute to crank this out…see what I do for you guys?

Speaking of gypsy curses, I just saw Drag Me To Hell over at the local multiplex. Two gnarled gypsy woman thumbs up. It’s got a plotline we can all get behind in these troubled times. A mortgage lender who screws an elderly woman out of an extension on her loan gets cursed to burn in the fires of h-e-double-hockey-sticks for all eternity. Nice to see Sam Raimi get back to his roots (the kind that tangle you up and swallow your soul) of scaring the bejeezus out of people with fast zooms, sudden loud noises, and cheap thrills. It’s makes up for the over-bloated pile of CGI that Spider-Man 3 turned out to be. This movie is singular of purpose, grabs you quick, thrashes you around a bit, then deposits you back to the edge of your seat. Fun stuff.

The shows at the Greensboro Comedy Zone went pretty well overall last night. I’m working with a like-minded headliner in Tom Simmons, a local NC guy who admitted to me that he usually does horrible here. You have to slow things down and say fuck a little more to keep the audiences on the hook. The first show went great for both of us, but the second show we were met with mostly slack-jawed stares. I had pockets of support in the audience for the late show, which was enough to get me through. Looking forward to tonight. And, if the stars align, I’ll be meeting up with the fellas from The Geek Comedy Tour tomorrow as they come back from a gig in Charlotte.

Read all about it, on the last day…see ya then.

Desperate times…

Oy vey ‘Redheads… It’s Day 29 of Blog-A-Day in May and things are bleak. Once again, the laptop I brought with me has shit the bed as far as wireless connection. So, I’m typing this on my phone… I’ve come too far to let this slide now. Please take this time to scroll down and enjoy any installment you may’ve missed, while I try to get things rectified.

‘Til then…

Blog… B-L-O-G

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 28 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I’m feeling downright geusioleptic. Yeah, I just got done watching the National Spelling Bee, which emanated live from the Hyatt in downtown DC. You know that has to be a rockin’ afterparty. Half the fun of tuning into the bee is to watch these socially handicapped kids as they take a tension-filled stroll down Sesame Street with Asperger’s syndrome. The other half is to watch Tom “Will Host For Food” Bergeron fill with patter that makes Fred Willard in Best In Show look like Jim Lehrer. Sorry about that last sentence…this video sympathizes with you…

Moving on… I think to help prep these kids for their high school futures, they should get an atomic wedgie as a consolation prize upon elimination. I hope these kids can adjust and eke out a passable social life. It’ll get awkward when one of the guys is on a date and asks the girl for her country of origin. If “Can I use you in a sentence?” qualifies as a pickup line, you better learn to use loneliness in a sentence.

If you’re in the Greensboro, NC area this weekend, come check me out at the Greensboro Comedy Zone. Two shows Friday and Saturday. Click the link for tix and info.

See you Friday…

So You Think You Can Blog…?

Hey there ‘Redheads… Day 27 of Blog-A-Day in May is upon us, and things are starting to fall apart…mostly on my face. The peeling stage of my sunburn has set in, and my forehead is snowing forehead skin…flakes. Forehead Skin Flakes…part of a disgusting breakfast. They’rrrre GRRRROSS!!

Now that I’ve given most of you the dry heaves, I can address the other thing that is falling…the sky. The oompa loompan dictator, Kim Jong Il is rattling his sabre again and this time he just might have a weapon of mass destruction under that phone book he’s sitting on. He’s threatened to attack U.S. ships that try to stop any weapons shipment from North Korea. If that happens, we’re gonna have to throw down. To help calm any jangled nerves over the possibility of World War III, I’ve included a video to help take the North Korean threat a little less seriously…

I know I feel better.

See you Thursday…

Flaky

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to Day 26 of Blog-A-Day in May. One thing I pride myself on, is better than average grammar and spelling. Sure, I have the crutch of spellcheck to lean on, but I still spell pretty good. Comes from learning to type on an Apple IIc…before spellcheck existed. It also helps when you make words up. Anywho, enough of me beating my syntactical chest. Today, I spotted two glaring errors that are pretty tough to let slide.

The first comes to us from DC’s own Washington Natinals…

Once again, they stopped just shy of misspelling DC, but this time they at least tried to distract from the blunder with…a grinning bobblehead.

You remember President Teddy Rossevelt. He came right before President Kraft and right after President McCheese. This club has some mental block against O’s…oddly enough, they suck slightly more than the O’s.

The other spelling misstep also came with a built-in distraction, as it was inked on Hayden Panetierre…

HOLLYWOOD – Hayden Panettiere may be regretting the tattoo running down her left side. The 19-year-old actress has a tattoo which reads “Vivere senza rimipianti” – an Italian phrase. The only problem is the tattoo is misspelled. Instead of “rimipianti” the actual spelling should be “rimpianti.”


And the fly in her chardonnay? The tattoo means, “Live without regrets”. Kinda like when some douchebag gets an Asian character on his arm because it looks cool. He thinks it means “Flying Dragon”, but anyone who can read Mandarin knows it means “Chicken Fried Rice”. It helps that she’s hot and most people can’t read Italian that isn’t on an Olive Garden menu.

See ya tomorrow…

BabyQ

Hey there ‘Redheads… We’re in the home stretch with Day 25 of Blog-A-Day in May, and I was worried that I wasn’t going to have anything to blog about in this installment. Then something struck me. I went to three BBQs this extended weekend, and there was a baby at all of them…and there was baby news that broke at two of them. That’s a 1 to 1 baby to BBQ ratio. I think it’s grounding to have a baby in close proximity while you’re gorging yourself, because you and the kid share the same baseline thought process. Eat ’til you cry, belch, get sleepy, maybe poop, then repeat step one. I ate myself into a slight stupor, taking breaks only to coat my screaming skin in a thin aloe glaze. All in all, a fun weekend.

As for the baby news, wish a mazel tov in my sister’s general direction. She’s got another bun in the oven…any more buns and she’ll rival the Pillsbury Doughboy. On the plus side, you guys will have some cute baby pictures to coo at by the end of the year. On the minus side, my sister may have to move into a shoe.

I hope you did your part to remember the sacrifices our military men and women have made and continue to make so that we have the freedom to do trivial three-day weekend stuff. Even if it was sitting on your couch watching the NCIS marathon.

See you tomorrow…

Qing

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 24 of Blog-A-Day in May and I am stuffed. Just got back from a BBQ at my buddy Greg’s house. I’m full of beer, bratwurst, burgers, brownies, and ribs…and I smoked my first cigar in about 5 years. Happy on the inside, still in large discomfort on the outside. Most of my friends cringed when they saw my lobster-like appearance. They’re of the opinion that I absorbed enough solar radiation to get super powers. Apparently, I have the ability to wince while sitting, showering, and sleeping.

Since I’m in pain, I figured I’d inflict some. Behold this classic shitburger. In the spirit of the weekend, this one will stick with you for years to come… You’re welcome.

See you Monday.

OUCH

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 23 of Blog-A-Day in May, and today’s installment is extra crispy. I hurt. When I was tallying up the BBQs for this weekend, I neglected to include myself on the list. Allow me to explain.

A gaggle of my friends and I trekked up to Sandy Point State Park for a day of fun and sun. I’ve never been a big beach guy. Sand gets everywhere, I don’t much care for the ocean, and the beach itself is littered with hot pointy objects, but I figured it’d be fun with the right company. And it was. We tossed frisbees around, played Yahtzee, and I flew a kite for the first time since I was eight. All the while, the sun beat down. I guess I didn’t apply the sunscreen as liberally as I should’ve (there’s also a theory that the stuff I did put on had expired). You’ve heard of being sun kissed? I got sun molested. My legs, my arms, and the back of my neck are red and stingy. I photosynthesized pain. If you look at the dividing line on my legs from where it goes from pasty to beet red, I look like the crappy part of Neapolitan ice cream. I’ve been slathering myself in aloe to help prevent molting, but I have a funny feeling that, come tomorrow, I’m going to be flakier than a Greek pastry. If you see me, please resist the urge to dip me in drawn butter.

See you Sunday…

Double Deuce

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s Day 22 of Blog-A-Day in May. And it’s Memorial Day weekend…hug a vet…buy a mattress. Since my trip out to fabulous Youngstown, Ohio got derailed, I’ve got the whole lazy weekend off to do lazy weekend things…like laundry…and overeating. In the coming days, I have 3 BBQs, a trip to the beach, and a possible crab feast on my plastic plate. Just a heads up to the EMTs who’re taking bets on my stomach contents in the ER.

I was hanging out with a couple other local comics last night, and we were discussing a bunch of random things over a pitcher of beer and some nachos. I’m not sure how the topic of Scientology came up, but an interesting point was made. The main problem with Scientology isn’t that it’s based on science fiction, but that it’s based on bad science fiction. Why couldn’t they be following the teachings of Douglas Adams? They all get issued a towel and the basic tenet is “DON’T PANIC!” Sounds pretty simple to me.

Thanks to my buddy, Jake Young for hipping me to the following video. It’s a girl trying to convince an actor friend of hers that L.A. isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Enjoy…

Looking for a unique comedy experience? Check out the Geek Comedy Tour at Alliance Comics in Silver Spring on Saturday night…

See you Saturday…