Blogural

Hey there ‘Redheads… Sorry for the delay, but I’ve been either busy, sick, or a combination thereof in the last week or so. Lucky for you, but crappy for me, I got frozen out of my gig at Tagline’s tonight. Let’s catch up then, shall we? It’s been a week since all of the inaugural hoopla turned the streets of DC into the streets of NY. The sidewalks were crammed with people, and you couldn’t walk five feet without some run-down schmuck trying to sell you a commemorative Obama keychain, or bobblehead, or shamwow. I saw Obama’s face bedazzled on blankets, ironed on to cheap t-shirts, and printed on comic book covers. Less popular was the Obama face-painting…that was a bit awkward. I saw one guy selling programs. Who needs to see Hillary Clinton’s stat line? If you need a program to follow along with this, then maybe you should just let history pass you by. I did not get swept up in the need to be there for the historic moment or the historic concert that preceded it.

It was a pretty cool concert, but if I’m going to watch it on a big screen tv, I’ll do it indoors. It turns out that a couple friends of mine were in the choir that was backing up Springsteen…pretty cool. A couple small gripes about the production. I get the reverence for the history, but can you spiff up the presentation a bit? Every celebrity out there pretty much droned, “And Kennedy said… And then Lincoln said… And Roosevelt said…” You have all of these actors and comedians up there…let ’em emote, for cryin‘ out loud. Otherwise, why should I give a crap what Steve Carell and Kal Penn have to say? Also, did anyone tell Joe Biden that he had a mic? He yelled his speech at the crowd like he was giving directions to a foreign tourist. The musical numbers were overall entertaining, reaching their surreal peak when Garth Brooks sang “Shout”. You can’t fly in Otis Day and the Knights for that gig? I would’ve paid to see Obama stand up and yell, “Otis! My man!” I was also a little fuzzy on the message of the concert…We Are One…so, resistance is futile?

I’m a dork. Sue me.

So, I didn’t get swept up in the mess of the inauguration, but I did go to a ball the night before. I went to the Black Tie & Boots Ball that was held by the Texas State Society. It was an intimate gathering. 12,000 people all glammed up at the National Harbor…pretty swanky. With a crowd that large at a party put on by Texas, herding was a common theme for the night. We got corralled through security, to the coat check line, then we were tagged and roamed free through the revelry. The party was something to behold. Imagine if George W. Bush had a Bar Mitzvah. There were 7 different ballrooms, each with a band…and open bars…God bless America. As far as music, they had both kinds, country and western. Luckily, the dance floors were a bit too crammed for anyone in my group to boot scoot boogie. Here are some recon photos from the evening…




A fun time for sure. Although, we didn’t spot any celebrities through the drunken masses.

So, it’s a week after being drunk with hope and now we’re waking up next to Lady Liberty and she’s looking rough. Last Tuesday, she was Heidi Klum, now she’s Dame Edna. Here’s hoping the new boss can get things turned around.

The SuperBowl is fast approaching. The Cardinals are in. When did the commissioner of the NFL become Rod Serling? At the start of the season, if you put ten dollars on the Cardinals to make the SuperBowl, you’d win enough to buy the damn team. Also congrats to the Steelers and their coach Omar Epps for making the big dance.

For those of you who’re back on the Jack Bauer bandwagon, like I am. Let me call it right now, so I can revel in it later. RoboCop is coming back. Bank on it.

To be continued…

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Cold Hearted

Hey there ‘Redheads… This one is just a quickie to vent a little and take care of a few odds and ends. Let me start with the good news. I got my truck back. It’s fixed and shiny and all that other good stuff. One of the pluses of having it stolen and repaired is the spiffy scrub job that it got. And believe me, it was dirty when they found it…it didn’t just feel dirty because it had been stolen. I don’t remember if I told you guys or not, but the perp took it four wheeling. It looked like a Jackson Pollock during his mud and shit phase. I keep going back, in my head, to the scene in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, when the parking attendant went joy riding in the Ferrari. Other than the mud bath, there wasn’t much other major damage to it. Just a busted window and a popped ignition. Steps are being taken to ensure that it stays in my possession. For starters, I’m getting a club. I’m also looking into the cost of hiring a ninja or other sundry henchpeople to beat potential car thieves about the head, neck, and chest with the club. Times are tough, and henching is an easy way to earn some extra income.

And now, the bad news. When I got home in my shiny car, I discovered that the heating system in my apartment took a shit…again. So, after spending a bunch to repair it, it looks like I’m going to have to replace it barely a month later. Good thing revenge is a dish best served cold. Revenge and gazpacho. So, yeah…it sucks bunches.

Speaking of bad news, and revenge, the world lost yet another pop culture icon with the passing of Ricardo Montalban. Sure, he’ll be remembered for Fantasy Island but, for scads of dorks around the world, he will always be Khan. He and Shatner chew more scenery than a swarm of termites on the Warner Bros. back lot. Here’s a sample…

Ricardo, may your place in heaven be clad in fine Corinthian leather. Quienes mas macho? Nobody.

In the last installment, I mentioned that I test drove some new material, but I neglected to actually include the joke. Here ya go…

I think that selling hair color called Touch of Gray is like selling condoms called Smidge of Herpes.

Also, please remember to check out my fan page on Facebook and pledge you digital devotion to me…you can find a handy dandy link on the top right-hand side of the blog. I’ll warm myself with the faint glow of the screen.

To be continued…

Fanuary

Hey there ‘Redheads… How’s your year been so far? We’re roughly two weeks in and I must say, mine is doing well to keep my low expectations and false hopes alive. The last installment was a quick one, so I’ve got about six pounds of crap to cram into this five pound bag of bunk. First, you may have noted the title. Why not kick off ’09 with some patented (pending) ’08 stunt blogging that’s past it’s sell-by date? Consider this a pledge drive of sorts. Since MySpace has become the light rock on the social network radio dial, I figured I’d start to dig my heels in over on Facebook. Take a gander over at the right-hand side of the blog and you’ll see the link to my Facebook fan page (where it says BECOME A ‘REDHEAD). Click on it and pledge your digital devotion in my general direction.

Big thanks to Charm City and the crackerjack staff at the Baltimore Comedy Factory for yet another great weekend on their stage. We had some fun shows, despite a couple being lightly attended. Our first show on Saturday night fell victim to the juggernaut of the NFL Playoffs…specifically, the Ravens game. All of Baltimore was glued to a bar stool in front a flat screen tv, mainlining beer and chicken wings, while the Ravens plucked out the eyes of the Titans. There was about 25 people at the show…most of them Steelers fans. We still had fun. I was pretty psyched, because I test drove some brand new material all weekend and it’s a keeper. Speaking of the playoffs, I’m pretty sure if the Cardinals go to the SuperBowl, the seismic force of every football fan in America simultaneously smacking themselves in the forehead, will cause a tsunami that will swallow Tampa Bay. So…Go Eagles.

We’ll be right back after this brief message…

…and we’re back. The economy is rough, so I figured I’d sell commercial time on the blog. I’m also leasing out my left nostril to that family in the Mucinex ad. Tough times.

I would be remiss, if I didn’t mention the recent sinking of the good ship Wiseacres. They closed their doors pretty much right after the ball dropped. After getting my feet wet up in Baltimore, my formative comedy years were spent on the Wiseacres stage. I recorded my comedy cd there. It’s a big loss for the area comedy scene. It was the only regular weekly open mic held at an actual comedy club. When your primary goal is to eventually get work at a comedy club, there’s no better feedback you can get than from a comedy club crowd. Plus, it was a great place to hang out with your brothers and sisters in arms and shoot the shit in a Cheers meets Mos Eisley atmosphere…a wretched hive of scum and villainy where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came. Hopefully, the hole it leaves will eventually get plugged.

Does everyone have their plans for the big inaugural festivities? This city is about to get swarmed with hope and smothered by idealism. They’re projecting 4 million people will show up in DC…4 million people who don’t know their way around. And I’m going to be right in the thick of the clusterfuckery (look it up). I finagled tickets to the Black Tie & Boots Inaugural Ball put on by the Texas State Society. Anyone know where I can find a pair a of cowboy boots and a bola tie?

To be continued…

Oh Nine, So Fine

Hey there ‘Redheads… Happy 2009 to ye. Some of you may just be coming out of the groggy haze of your New Year’s Eve hangover…welcome. My eve was low key and low cost…dinner with friends and hopped to a couple different house parties. No cover charges, no wading through a sea of drunks, and no silly hats. Also, I wasn’t in front of a TV until the final countdown and, for some reason, the broadcast of choice was CNN, so I didn’t have to see stroked out Dick Clark awkwardly mumble his way through the end of the year. There was more time to party this year, and I’m not referring to the extra leap second that we were afforded. It was so cold, time slowed down. As I walked to the second party of the evening, my resolution was to make it to ’09 with an even number of ears.

So, we’re a week into the new year and I’m doing what I can to start things off on a good note. I spent the day off cleaning out my apartment…out with the old crap to make room for…new crap. My primary hope for this year is that I can cobble out a calendar of gigs that’ll resemble that of a professional comedian. To that end, allow me to suggest you spend the first weekend of the year laughing in my general direction. I’ll be featuring at one of my favorite clubs, the Baltimore Comedy Factory, this weekend. Three nights, seven shows, and DRINKS ARE ON ME…you heard me. You pay for the laughs and you can grease your collective skids gratis. Simply print out this coupon…


Click the link for tix and info. See you in Charm City…

I’ve got a couple other things I want to cover, but they’ll wait ’til the next installment.

To be continued…