Gravy

Hey there ‘Redheads… I wanted to shoehorn one more installment into Yesvember, before the last couple days were lost to food coma. So consider this a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade of gaudy, over-inflated, and poorly expressed ideas to help distract you from candied yams, Detroit Lions football, and the awkward interaction with the sap of your family tree. A big fat thank you for tolerating me thus far. And away we go…

I just got back from the bris for my buddy Seth’s new little munchkin, Ethan Perry…who will eventually be a member of the cast of the 2028 (when our already insipid retro ironic self-referential pop culture is hip again, ripping a hole in time…get all that?) revival of 90210, with a name like that. This was the second winky snipping that I’ve witnessed. Only slightly less cringe-inducing than the last one. The kid put up a bit of a fight, when he peed on the mohel right before the circumsnippage (look it up) occurred. For some reason, the mohel had a bluetooth in his ear the whole time, I guess in case of a last minute pardon from the governor.

On Saturday, I took a trip down to the newly re-opened American History Museum. The cosmetic overhaul was well done, but I found the content of the place to be a bit lacking, particularly the pop culture representation. Sure, the regular history stuff is cool, but I was looking forward to seeing Fonzie’s jacket, Archie Bunker’s chair, or Herve Villechaize (coulda sworn he was there). Well, none of that is there anymore. Here’s a sampling of what was on display…you tell me if I’m being unfair. One case was devoted to women’s basketball…you heard me. The next case over was hip-hop themed, with Grandmaster Flash’s turntable and Fab Five Freddie’s boom box. Across from that was a case with boxing gloves from Muhammad Ali, Jack Dempsey, and, of course, Rocky. Then there was a case that had Apolo Anton Ohno’s speedskates…c’mon, this is the American History Museum, not a silent auction for the ice capades. Next to that, was something that actually belonged there, Kermit the Frog. The next case contained another muppet, Oscar the Grouch, the puffy shirt from Seinfeld, and the ventriloquist dummy from the 70’s tv show, Soap. Then there was the centerpiece of the exhibit, the ruby slippers from The Wizard of Oz. It was a pretty paltry hodgepodge. No mention of pop culture heavyweights Superman, Elvis, The Beatles, or Mickey Mouse. Luckily, the museum didn’t completely slight Star Wars. They had C3-P0 by the main entrance of the museum among a general sampling of historical trinkets. There was also an appearance by R2-D2, who rolled and beeped through the halls of the museum under remote control, courtesy of the DC chapter of the R2-D2 Builders Club. According to their brochure, they’re an internet based fan club (shocker) with over 5000 members…cluttering parents’ basements worldwide. The droids they had on display were pretty impressive…give ’em a click and check it out. While we’re on the subject, please enjoy this chunk of dork meat…

And while we’re at it, here’s a second helping…

Ok, enough of that. Here are some random processed joke-like product that’s been kicking around in my head the last couple days…

The inventor of the slinky died. He fell down the stairs…slowly. Actually, he got stuck with three steps left to go and someone had to push him the rest of the way down…

I have a Siamese twin-size bed. It’s two beds, connected at the headboard.

I’m bothered by the phrase “take a nap”. Like it’s not yours. Where are people taking these naps from?
“Jeez, Bill, you look like crap. You get enough sleep?”
“No, somebody took my nap.”

Thanks.

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Yesvember

Ah, the power of positive titling. ‘Redheads, November started so full of promise. Two blogs in four days. Then, my usual sloth sets in and here I am apologizing to you two weeks later. So, I’m gonna try to write…tonight tonight tonight…whoa whoa. So, I have a couple cool things to report. I was hoping to have some cool pictures to go along with the report, but I missed out on a pair of prime celebrity photo ops. Instead, I’ll be peppering in some other pictures that I’ve already collected to spice up all these hum drum words.

Let’s wind back the clock to last Monday, when I had the distinct honor of paying tribute to the Class Clown, George Carlin. My dad scored some tickets to the Mark Twain Prize at the Kennedy Center. We got there about a half hour before the doors opened and we found our way to the red carpet, where the celebrity presenters were being interviewed by the various media. We got there in time to see walking mannequin, Joan Rivers, wave and attempt to smile at the amateur paparazzi that lined the hallway, snapping away with cameras and cellphones. Then came my first missed photo op, when Lewis Black walked down the aisle and was taking pictures with some people nearby. I was about three or four deep in back of the crowd, so by the time I got close enough to muster up the courage to say something to him, he was on his merry way. So, instead, here’s a picture of me with Judah Friedlander


After we saw Denis Leary, Jon Stewart, and Lily Tomlin make their way through the media gauntlet, we decided to make our way to the main doors. While waiting for them to let us in, I ran into the only other DC comedian that I spotted that night, Brian Jett…wearing a suit…that’s like finding a filthy unicorn. There’s been some controversy over the content of the live show. The clips of Carlin that they showed seemed arbitrarily bleeped. In one clip, “shit” got through, but they bleeped out “goddamn”. And when they played the clip of the seven dirty words, it sounded like Morse code. Seems a little specious to censor a guy who did so much to point out the hypocrisy of censorship. C’mon, Kennedy Center. We’re all adults…take care of that crap in post. Aside from the heartfelt tributes, no opportunity was spared to celebrate the recent victory of Barack Obama. It’s a shame the special won’t air until April. The best line of the night went to Richard Belzer , who claimed to have gotten his hands on Obama’s inaugural address. He then spouted Arabic gibberish…classic (as I type this, he’s on The Daily Show doing the same gag).

My next chance to get snapped with a celebrity came on Saturday. Some of my dork friends and I went to the E St. Cinema to catch a sold out showing of My Name Is Bruce, which basks in the oeuvre of Mr. Evil Dead, Bruce Campbell (in case you were wondering, that’s oeuvre easy). A seemingly never-ending Fantasia broomstick army of pasty white people packed the theater to get a fix of b-movie schlock, mainlined straight into their retinas. Two bloody stumps up, by the way. If you’re at all familiar with his work, you’ll probably get a kick out of it. After the flick, Bruce came out for a Q & A session with the assembled throng. Probing questions about sequels that will never get made, obscure plot points, and hellish film shoots were fielded. Unfortunately, he did not make himself available for pictures afterward. Instead, here’s a picture of me with Henry Rollins…

I saw something today that warmed my cockles as the temperature dips below freezing. I saw a 1 in the dollar place on a gas station price board. That’ll make it easier for us to live out of our cars when our mortgages default. You’re going to want to hang on to those GMs, by the way…they’ll be collector’s items in about a month or so. I think if we’re going to bail out the auto industry, we need to lay down some strict guidelines…like 0% financing for 24 months…we’ll pay off their trade, no matter how much they owe…negative equity applies to new loan balance.

Before I get going, a mazel tov to my best buddy Seth and his wife Alison on the birth of their bouncing baby boy, Ethan. I’ll hopefully have a picture of the little pisher soon. Until then, here’s a picture of me with the Stanley Cup…

I’ll try to get another installment in before Turkey Day.

Meet The New Boss

Greetings from the other side of history, ‘Redheads… On Tuesday, the country had an election lasting longer than four hours…time to consult a physician. Mercifully, this political dust-up is over and we no longer have to hear about mavericks, message approvals, or any of that other crap that was cluttering our lives. I was enjoying how desperate McCain’s attack ads were by the last days of the campaign. I saw one that said, “You wouldn’t want a surgeon to operate on you with no previous experience, would you?” Well, no, but I also wouldn’t want one who was 73, couldn’t move his arms, and who’s nurse didn’t know Africa was a continent, either.

Now it’s done and, hopefully, we’ve picked the right guy for the job. Truth is we won’t know for awhile. His election is inspirational and historic, but I hope people don’t think this movie we’re living in is going to suddenly go from black and white to technicolor once he steps into office. Sure, the Democrats dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the West Wing, but that house had been foreclosed on months ago, and the Lollipop Guild is laying off thousands of workers despite the high-pitched protests. The one thing we do know is that he seems to have the courage, the heart, and the brains to get us back on track. I’m pretty proud of that extended metaphor…I even synced it up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

We have a responsibility to uphold now too. By “we” I mean comedians. Listen up guys and gals. For years, we’ve fallen back on the stale stereotypical premise of “What if the President was black?” Well, now he is, so I’m calling for a moratorium on such hackery. We can do better.

Better than He’ll paint the White House black…
No, he won’t.
Better than He’ll put spinners on the motorcade…
No, he won’t.
Better than He’ll pardon a bucket of chicken on Thanksgiving…
No, he won’t.

Let’s rise above that level of Mencian twaddle and find some real reasons to mock Barack. Yes we can.

Ok, enough of the politicking…for now. If you’d like to hear some more, though, you could come check out the show at the Montgomery Drafthouse on Saturday. I’m opening for Daily Show writer, Adam Lowitt. This venue is shiny and new and could use you support. Tickets are only $10…a paltry sum for some high-minded hilarity.

To be continued…

Dorks In Their Natural Habitat

Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had a fluffy nougat-filled ‘ween. Mine was fun. When it came to my costume, I did more waffling than the breakfast buffet at the Belgian embassy. Should I go low effort and rehash the old “Clark Kent mid-change into Superman”, maybe go the cute route with a clown nose, or should I try something new? I decided on the latter, dusting off a neglected cloak that I picked up at the Renn Fest a couple years ago. From there it was whether I went the route of Jedi with my plastic light saber (I sense you’re judging me…stop it…I can feel your look) or try to adapt an idea I saw in a Speed Bump cartoon. Again, option B won out. I give you The Grim Raker…


I ditched the the rake shortly after that picture was taken. It was a pain in the ass to lug around. Plus, the number of eyes that thing could put out is staggering. I was a walking insurance claim. Cool cloak, though…I’m available for children’s parties, by the way. So, my friends and I decided to forgo the usual overpacked Halloween party for something a little different. We went to the Warehouse Theater to check out Diamond Dead, a zombie rock show. We had previously been to one other undead rock show, Bite, the topless vampire revue in Vegas. This one was about a rock band back from the dead with a concert within a show vibe. These were zombies for change…midway through the show, a Sarah Palin look-a-like performed her own musical number, stripping down to a red, white, and blue bikini, while humping her toy shotgun. She was eventually disemboweled and eaten by the band. I’m sure that statement will seal up the flesh-eating demographic for Obama.

On to the title of the blog. Like many of you, I am a Facebookworm (patent pending). My day isn’t complete without sharing my status with my legion of digital chums. Well, on Friday, I posted this as my status: Jared Stern sleeps above the covers…FOUR FEET above the covers. A classic line from Ghostbusters. Here’s what that begat. Witness dorks in their natural habitat…

David D. at 12:20pm October 31
He barks, he drools….

Seth V. at 12:30pm October 31
It’s not Jared, Dave it’s the building

David D. at 12:34pm October 31
Cats and dogs…Living together!!! Mass hysteria!!

Seth V. at 12:44pm October 31
mother pussbucket….I could do this all day long

David D. at 12:46pm October 31
Yes, it’s true….this man is a dick…serve back to you, Seth…

Seth V. at 12:49pm October 31
I think the quote is…
everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here
they caused an explosion
is this true
yes it’s true …this man has no dick

Good lord I need help

Jared S. at 1:05pm October 31
Tell him about the twinkie…

Seth V. at 1:08pm October 31
well lets say this twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York Area…Based on this mornings reading it would be a twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 pounds

David D. at 1:08pm October 31
Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown….

David D. at 1:08pm October 31
that’s a big twinkie…

Seth V. at 1:10pm October 31
we’ve been going about this all wrong, this mr stay puffs okay, he’s a sailor, he’s in new york we get this guy laid we won’t have any trouble

David D. at 1:10pm October 31
I looked at the trap, Ray…

Seth V. at 1:13pm October 31
Symmetrical book stacking…Just like the Philadelphia turbulence of 1947…You’re right no human being could stack books like this

Jared S. at 1:13pm October 31
I collect spores, molds, and fungus

Seth V. at 1:15pm October 31
Listen….do you smell something

David D. at 1:17pm October 31
Ray, when somebody asks if you are a god, you say YES!

Jared S. at 1:20pm October 31
Do you want some coffee?
Do I?
Yes, have some.
Yes, have some…

David D. at 1:24pm October 31
Remember? The nice lady who paid us in advance before she became a dog…

Seth V. at 1:25pm October 31
Well this is great, if the ionization rates are constant for ectoplasmic entities… we can really bust some heads….in the spiritual sense, of course

David D. at 1:32pm October 31
Jared, your status message has satiated the beast that hungered within me…

Seth V. at 1:33pm October 31
Yes, thank you Jared

Patrick S. at 1:40pm October 31
Are you, Jared, menstruating right now?

Seth V. at 1:43pm October 31
What does that have to do with it?
Back off man, I’m a scientist

David D. at 2:00pm October 31
Ok, who brought the dog?

Todd B. at 2:01pm October 31
That’s Nova Scotia salmon. The real thing. It costs $24.95 a pound but really $12.48 a pound net after tax. I’m writing this whole party off as a promotional expense. That’s why I invited clients instead of friends. Try that Brie, it’s dynamite at room temperature. Maybe I should turn the heat up a bit …

Todd B. at 2:02pm October 31
Everybody, this is Ted and Annette Fleming. Ted has a small carpet cleaning business in receivership, but Annette is drawing a salary from a deferred bonus from two years ago and the house has $15,000 left at eight percent.

Jared S. at 2:04pm October 31
Where do these stairs go…?
They go up.

David D. at 2:08pm October 31
-What are you supposed to be, some kinda cosmonaut?
-No, we’re exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on 12.
-That’s gotta be some cockroach.
-Bite your head off, man…

David D. at 2:11pm October 31
-Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon…what have you got left?
-Sorry, Peter- I’m terrified beyond all capacity for rational thought…

Seth V. at 2:12pm October 31
Hi this is Larry King, the phone in topic…Ghosts and Ghostbusting. The controversy builds more sightings are reported. Some maintain that these professional paranormal eliminators are the cause of it all

Jared S. at 2:13pm October 31
Hello. I’m Peter. Where are you from…originally?

Seth V. at 2:14pm October 31
Is it possible that we have blown this way out of proportion and that Jared in fact does sleep four feet above his covers…using some sort of crazy rigging device that we just don’t know about?

David D. at 2:16pm October 31
-Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
-It would have worked if you hadn’t stopped me.

Seth V. at 2:19pm October 31
still making headlines across the country the ghostbusters are at it again this time at the fashionable dance club “the rose” The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist and then stayed on to dance the night away with some lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance…This is Casey Casem and now on with the countdown…..

Todd B. at 2:22pm October 31
I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it! LET’S DO IT!

Seth V. at 2:26pm October 31
I remember revelations 7:12 …and I looked and he opened the 6th seal and behold there was a great earthquake and the sun became as black as sackcloth and the moon became as blood

Jared S. at 2:31pm October 31
But if I’m right…Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.

Jared S. at 2:34pm October 31
Who are you guys?
We’re the Ghostbusters
Who does your taxes?

Seth V. at 2:40pm October 31
Are you troubled by strange noises in the night
Do you experience feeling of dread in your basement or attic
Have you or your family every seen a spook spectre or ghost
If the answer is yes then don’t wait another minute call the professionals Ghostbusters
Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs
We’re ready to believe you

Fin. Go vote.