Drafty

Hey there ‘Redheads… Wow, another month has flown past. September is on the horizon, and with it, some nice little nuggets of fun. None of those nuggets are comedy work, unfortunately. I appear to have shot my wad in the first 3 quarters of the year. My next 3 months is so thin, it makes Nichole Richie look like…less of a pregnant skeleton. I’m gettin’ desperate…

This week marks my second year here at Stately Stern Manor. I moved in right around when Katrina hit. I still have yet to host an official housewarming party. At this point, it’d be a house re-heating party. When I finally get around to it, you’re all invited…bring a bundt cake. Speaking of parties, there’s another one on the way. I turn 32 on Sept. 24th. At the very least, a candle will be stuck in the blowhole of a Fudgy the Whale. I have pretty high expectations for this year, though, as I’ve discovered that I share my birthday with a couple people that can stand to be around me…so, perhaps a mega-party can be arranged.

Of course, the big deal in September is the start of football season and with it, fantasy football season. This year, I’m playing in a league with a bunch of other comics, including a couple local favorites, Mike Shader and Kelly Terranova. We had our draft earlier this evening…I’m pretty happy with my team. The draft went as expected…except the yuck-a-puck with the first pick came out of left field and drafted Drew Brees. Here is your starting line-up for Team 2007…Shit’s Crazy:
QB: The Golden Boy, Tom Brady (NE)
RB: Rudi Johnson (CIN)
RB: Maurice Jones-Drew (JAX)
WR: Reggie Wayne (IND)
WR: Donte Stallworth (NE)
TE: Vernon Davis (SF)
K: Josh Brown (SEA)
DEF: New England
Yes, it’s very Patriot-heavy, but you can’t go far wrong riding that horse. The season can’t start soon enough. Let’s play some imaginary pigskin.

Before I go any further, I would be remiss if I did not thank the entire staff at Banana’s Comedy Club in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ for a great weekend. It started off slow as the ride up to the club was stretched out by a jack-knifed tanker truck that turned the last 4 miles of my drive into a 2+ hour crawl. Anyone who’s been to Jersey knows it has a distinct bouquet. I made the mistake of having my windows rolled down as I hit the meat of the turnpike. I think I singed my eyebrows. I was reminded of this classic scene from Kentucky Fried Movie

…cracks me up every time.

On the way home, I stopped off in Philly to engage in my new favorite pastime, playing with my impossibly cute nephew, Mo. Brace yourself for the ensuing adorability…



Just when you think he’s reached the plateau of cute, BAM, he hits a new high. Buy stock in this kid’s dimples…it’s fiscally responsible…send the money to me.

To be continued…

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The Thrill, the Agony, and the Indifference…

Hey there ‘Redheads… It’s been awhile, but let’s just assume the apology is implied and move on…ever forward. Breaking news on this Monday, the 20th as Mike Vick has plead guilty and now faces a bit of jail time. Here now are some of the hack Mike Vick jokes that you have to look forward to for the next 2 to 5 years…

He was known for being a quarterback in the NFL, but in jail he’ll be a tight end…
He got in trouble for killing dogs, now he’s going to be someone’s bitch…
When white folks kill a dog, they pay a vet to do it…they also drive cars and talk differently.

…aaaaaaand scene. Enough of that. When last I got around to filling this space, I was gearing up for a couple of contests. When it comes to comedy competitions, the world is my oyster…and boy, do I shuck. No win, place, or show. I’m over it now, but I was a smidge bummed after my performance at the HBO Comedy Fest contest at the DC Improv. I was flattered to be there at all, but I was hoping I could back up the selection with a solid outing. The set started out well but, somewhere in my 8 minutes, I lost the crowd. They stopped reacting with laughter and gave me more of an “oh, isn’t that cute” reaction. Those who saw it say it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of but, in my head, I might as well have been chowing down on a turd hoagie during the last half of my set. My mettle got smelted and I got frazzled, so there goes my latest attempt to get free HBO. A big congratulations to Chris White and Erin Jackson, who got picked to represent DC in the regionals.

I had to quench my thirst for winnable competition…I was parched. Luckily, I was able to find an arena where I could flex my brain meat and come out on top. Trivia. I went with some friends to compete in some team bar trivia at Solly’s on U St. In round one, our team, Made in China, tied for third. Respectable, but I wanted to do some neck stepping. Round two saw us take the top spot (we tied for first) and with it a bottle of red wine…the fermented grapes of victory. Here are some of the more impressive answers I was able to scoop out of my skull…

Q: In Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, what are the ten syllables that follow “Wherefore art thou, Romeo”?
A: De-ny thy fa-ther and re-fuse thy name.

Q: In Beverly Hills Cop, what were the names of the two detectives who assist Axel Foley?
A: Taggart and Rosewood.

Q: In 1938, Roy Plunkett accidentally discovered this chemical compound with an extremely low coefficient of friction. Its scientific name is polytetrafluoroethylene. What is it more commonly known as?
A: Teflon.

I am smart. S-M-R-T.

And I’m an idea guy too. I came up with the next great disaster/action movie. In the not so distant future, an eccentric billionaire coverts a decommissioned aircraft carrier into the first floating sports arena. He somehow gets the SuperBowl in there. Mayhem ensues. Die Hard meets Titanic meets Rudy. It’ll be a can’t-miss-adrenaline-fueled-thrill-ride.

If you’re around northern New Jersey this weekend, come check me out at Banana’s. Should be fun. There’s very little on the line, so I shouldn’t tank.

To be continued…

Play the Music, Light the Lights

Hey there, ‘Redheads… Welcome to, you guessed it, Blogust. Like all of the previous months with “blog” crammed into the name, I’ll continue to churn out the usual mediocre fare and try to dress it up so you think I’m doing something special for you…and fool myself into thinking you give a goddamn either way…
Tomorrow starts a nice string of shows this week, including two contests. Two separate chances to have my soul subjectively stepped on. Let the games begin.

Wednesday, I throw my hat into the comedy marathon that is the Funniest Person in Baltimore contest. I call it a marathon not because of its length, but because once it’s done I usually have chapped nipples and I’ve been beaten by a Kenyan. I’m usually lucky if I’m the funniest person in my apartment, so this’ll be a fun five minutes. I always relish the chance to play the Comedy Factory and, speaking of relish, there’s a Five Guys about a block away…I’m already a winner.

I won’t have long to lick my wounds, because on Thursday I head to the DC Improv to butt heads with seven of DC’s finest. The winner representing DC in Vegas at the HBO Comedy Festival Lucky 21 Showcase. I’m up against Rob Maher, Joe Robinson, Erin Jackson, Chris White, Seaton Smith, Randolph T, and Jon Mumma…I’m usually a gambling man, but don’t bet on “Jew” in this one. I’m just happy to be included. I cannot recommend this show enough. Sure, it’s a local showcase and you can see most of the participants for free on a given night, but rarely do you get an Ocean’s Eleven line-up like this altogether on one show. You will laugh lots. Click the link for tix and info…

Hopefully, I have some ego left for the weekend, when I skip town to play one of my favorite little clubs, Cozzy’s in Newport News, VA. It’s a fun joint, the staff is great, and they ply their audiences with jello shots before each show…what could possibly go wrong?

I should mention a couple comedy comings and goings on the local scene. There’s been a mass exodus from DC to NY. Too many names to mention, but I wish you all well…if you should need a key grip or best boy on your movie or TV show, please keep me in mind. There are a couple folks that’re taking a slightly longer trip. On Wednesday, there’ll be a send-off at Wiseacre’s for house MC, Brian McClure. He’s being shipped off to Iraq. Apparently, he’s bombed here so many times, our military considers his comedy weapons-grade. Please join me in wishing him a hasty and safe return. Also, a belated bon voyage to Jim Elliott. Jim moved to Dublin, where Guinness runs out of the faucets. He has a MUCH better travel agent than Brian. Jim, may your time in Dublin be magically delicious. And, finally, DC welcomes back into the fold comedy savant, Erik Myers. Erik has been walking the Earth (like Cain in KungFu) for the last six months, solving mysteries, helping people, and searching for a six-fingered man. Now he’s back in town and poised to start snappin‘ funny bones.

To be continued…