Wigs and Fake Plastic Babies

Hey there ‘Redheads… Welcome to the last days of Blogtober. It joins Joke-a-Day in June and Get Jared Out of Debtember in the pantheon of poorly executed ideas. Live and learn. I am that rare combination of procrastination and impatience…I can’t wait to do it later (patent pending). So, I’m sure the hazy shade of winter will bring bloggery botch-jobs of even greater magnitude (it being sweeps and all). Wow, has my Seasonal Affective Disorder kicked in. On to good news, shall we?

While the official trick-or-treatery happens tomorrow night. Most of us, I’m sure, got sauced to the point of living death over the weekend. I was no exception, donning my usual fallback costume, Clark Kent changing into Superman, for a house party in DC.

Up, up, and oy vey…

The costumes in attendance ranged in obscurity and creativity, from Go Go Yubari of Kill Bill Vol. 1 to Mr. Owl from the old school Tootsie Pop commercial. There were, of course, the hot button costumes like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie…complete with plastic adopted kids, one guy came as a bag of spinach, and there was the Mark Foley page. Thankfully, no Steve Irwins. Then there were the concept costumes, like Static Cling with frizzed hair and assorted socks stuck to them, one girl was Craig’s List with ads for roommates with allergies to exposed brick, and one young lady was “under renovation” with various construction elements attached to her. Through all of these, there was one costume that rose above the rest. Brilliantly simple. Not obvious. Begging to asked, “What’re you supposed to be?” The guy stood about 6’6″, wearing a white t-shirt and black pants. Around his neck, he wore a dog collar and leash with a bunch of keys attached to it. When I quizzically posed the question to him, he responded, “I’m Alicia Keys.” Kudos, sir…kudos.
And I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was not happy at all with how I spent my 2am to 3am. Thankfully, I was able to pull a Sam Beckett and go back to set the wrong things right…by sleeping on the other side.

Speaking of time travel, let’s back things up to mention a couple of shows from earlier in the week. Last Tuesday, I got a chance to share the stage with 3 of DC’s finest, Danny Rouhier, Jon Mumma, and comedy dynamo Justin Schlegel, in the name of charity and good will at American University for a show benefiting the Children’s Miracle Network. The show took place in what is essentially the food court of the student union. I had a score to settle with this place. You’ll remember (and I’m counting on you, because my memory pretty spotty) the last time I was there with the giant comedy robot of the DC Standup Allstars, we were met with general indifference and some guy felt it necessary to say AIDS is funnier than me. This time seemed to be shaping up as another round of teeth pulling with the disaffected youth. When putting together a comedy show, the devil is in the details, from lighting to sound to crowd configuration. Comedy needs undivided attention, and with the lights on in the seating area, the crowd had trouble realizing there was a show in front of them instead of jokes to eat food and shoot the shit by. Due to prior time commitments, it fell upon me to close the show, a task I wasn’t sure I was fit for. This worry was compounded by watching Justin and Jon wrestle with a distracted crowd for the center of attention. Just before Danny hit the stage, one of the show’s organizers dimmed the house lights, making the comic on stage the only shiny object in the room. This let the crowd focus on Danny and, afterward, me. I brought things home nicely…for the kids.
Wednesday saw the birth of a brand new weekly comedy venue in Bethesda. The place is called South Beach and it’s owned by legendary Redskins wide receiver, Gary Clark. The space is prime for comedy and Gary is excited about having us there after last week’s debut. It also doesn’t hurt that the bartender, Jessica, is a five alarm hottie. Thanks to Rob Maher for getting it started. Click here to be a friend to local comedy.

Before I wrap this up, a good riddance to the misbegotten clusterfuck that was the Baltimore Rascal’s. Their logo should’ve been a guy with his head up his ass. The club was up and running then came to a sputtering stop all within 3 months. Maybe someday a club can do the right thing with that great space in the Baltimore PowerPlant. Long live the Baltimore Comedy Factory.

Have a Happy ‘Ween.

To be continued…

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Catching Up

Hey ‘Redheads… Before I begin, I think we can all agree that I procrastinate like a coma patient. This blog is later than the apology for Freddy Got Fingered. I declared this month Blogtober, yet I’ve gone 10 days between weekly installments. My hope is that with each blog, your expectations lower to the point that I no longer have to apologize. Today’s blog may seem more random than usual. Let the bottoming out commence.

On Comedy Central tonight, they followed Blue Collar Comedy with the Steven Wright one hour special. I think the contrast knob on my TV just reached a higher plane of existence. This is his first televised special in a long time, so I sat and soaked in the off-kilter deadpan genius. As mind bending as Steven Wright’s stuff is, I was floored to find out that we share a joke.

My joke: The guy who invented alkaline batteries died. This has me concerned, because maybe he’s not dead…maybe he’s just…in wrong.

His joke: I went to my grandfather’s wake. As I saw him lying in the casket, I thought about the batteries in my flashlight. I said, “Maybe he’s not dead. Maybe someone put him in the wrong way.”

It’s one of the happier coincidences I’ve encountered in recent days. Much cooler than when I found out that Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds played Leatherface in the recent Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel. I somehow achieved parallel thought with one of my comedy idols…a complete freakin’ fluke but, for a brief moment, everything was Wright with the world.

I heard Tower Records was going out of business, so I figured I’d swing by one of their stores to take advantage of the massive savings. I found out why Tower is going out of business. Because their idea of a Going Out Of Business sale, is to take 15% off a $20 Nickelback CD. I think they also instructed the cashiers to not punch you in the throat. Oh, the savings. Way to make the prices almost reasonable. The shit in their 99cent bin was $5. Good riddance, you money-grubbing bastards. Sheesh.

Congrats to Doug Powell and Jon Mumma on advancing to the next round of the Arlington Cinema n’ Drafthouse contest. I’d like to think I came in a close third…but I’d also like to think that I’m a peer of Steven Wright, so I’m obviously delusional. The competition aside, the show was a blast and that packed house got its money’s worth. Nine of the finest the area has to offer duking it out for the last two spots in the semis, plus Chris White hosting and Justin Schlegel closing. It was a layer cake of hilarity. It was also a great display of everything that’s right about the DC scene. It was all about putting on a good show. And after each set, I’ve never seen so many handshakes, compliments, and kudos. It was almost too much for my shitty self-esteem to handle. Warmed my cockels. Really.

Speaking of competition, I read that the principal of an elementary school in Massachusetts has, “banned tag, touch football, and any other unsupervised chase games at recess,” because they’re worried about kids getting hurt and the school being held responsible for the injuries.
When I was a boy (liver spots are bursting on my hands as I type this) at Stonegate Elementary, me and my chums played a game called Elimination. It was a variation of dodgeball that was played in a fenced-in blacktop. Essentially, inside a steel cage. You got three steps with the ball, then slung it at the scrawniest target in your sightline. Headhunting was encouraged. When you got out, you could “hire” another player to bean the guy that got you out to get back in, giving your hitman three extra steps by touching the ball. We sent a kid to the nurse’s office every day for two weeks before the administration stepped in an banned it.
It’s recess. Shit happens. Lighten up, before the children get so fat they start scoring games based on their cholesterol points.

It’s time, once again, for a WORLD BLOG VIDEO PREMIERE. From two of the four people that brought you GUYS WATCHING 24, it’s a hilarious look at attempting to attempt suicide. Filmed right here at Stately Stern Manor, starring Chris White and Yours Truly (my Swedish porn name) here’s NEVER CAN SAY GOODBYE

Please to be catapulting us to YouTube superstardom. My favorite part: miming hari kari. Let the Oscar buzz begin!

While we’re on the subject of kick ass movies (humor me), I need to throw my support behind The Prestige. This movie was great. Two rival magicians each taking turns upping the revenge ante. When they finally go all-in, it makes for a great twist. It had one of the most satisfying endings that I’ve seen in awhile. The film also answers the age old question. Who would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine?…if they were both turn of the century magicians. See it. You won’t be disappointed.

To be continued…at my leisure.

Oil Can

Hey there ‘Redheads… It has been too long. I hope all of you had a good Columbus Day or, as it’s called on Indian reservations, Moving Day. Unfortunately, I don’t have a whole hell of alot to blog about for this installment…disappointing since this is Blogtober, I know. I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut comedically, and I’m hoping to gain some traction and power out of it soon. Seeing some of my favorite locals lead audiences to laughter AND make them drink recently, has given me a much needed hitch in my giddy-up. Luckily, what was a pretty sparse month, as far as stage time, has turned into an opportunity to shake the rust off with some road work. Thursday, I head to Lancaster, PA, then off to Parkersburg, WV…oh, the glamour. It’ll be nice to do a couple 30 minute sets in front of people who don’t know me. Plus, the time in the car takes me to the Coney Island of the mind where I might find a spark or inspiration to get me going. Two places where jokes seem to lurk: the car and the toilet (the flux capacitor, por ejemplo)…like there’s an easy button in my ass cheek.
So, here’s the Jared Live tour schedule for the next week–
10/12 Clipper Magazine Stadium in Lancaster, PA
10/13 River City Tavern & Grill in Parkersburg, WV
10/17 Ned Devine’s in Sterling, VA (do yourself a favor and check out this diamond of a venue in the rough of the local comedy landscape)
10/18 Arlington Cinema n’ Drafthouse for round one of a comedy contest with a $2500 prize (the audience gets a vote, so come support me like the friendly buttresses you are)

Not exactly something to put on the back of a t-shirt, but it’ll do for now.

In the absence of the usual blog innards, I offer you my first stab at internet video posting. Here are two 4 minute clips from my feature set at the DC Improv back in January. Please to be watching them.


While I was uploading that stuff, I figured I’d transpose something else to bits and bytes, for posterity. I’m a horrible person for doing it, but I feel it is a public service to other comedians and fans of comedy. In fairness, this clip is from 2003, so the performer should have gotten much better, and she will remain nameless. I submit this to you…glean from it what you will…listen to the good natured and open-minded crowd turn like milk left out in the sun.

If you were counting at home, the premise to punchline ratio (P2PR) was about 15 to 1. She moved to LA to do that. Just sayin’ is all.

Did I mention that YouTube was just sold for $1.65 Billion? And the idea was probably thought of on the toilet…

To be continued…

And We’re Back…

After a minor glitch, it appears we’re back to our regularly scheduled program, ‘Redheads… In case you missed the last installment, you can find it on my MySpace blog. Get caught up.
As a reward for your patience in these trying times, here’s a super special bonus installment to get things back on schedule and kick off Blogtober. Just a couple random tidbits that I meant to get to last time, but ended up getting shelved for on reason or another…reheated leftovers…mmm mmm toasty.

Where to start… Well, with a birthday, comes presents. I didn’t get a whole lot of tangible stuff this year…mostly just good times with good friends. My buddy Seth got me a couple obscure kung-fu DVDs. My aunt got me cologne. I don’t usually wear cologne. I prefer my natural musk…B’eau. Since that hasn’t exactly turned my social life into the Tag bodyspray commercial I’d like it to be, I figure a better smelling Jared can only mean…I’ll be less offensive to myself when I’m all alone…so alone.
When I opened the box, my mom was beaming with the hope that this concoction contained the right chemical combination to create a single Jewish girl from thin air. “I want to see what this smells like on you,” see said as she snatched it out of my hand and proceeded to mace me like a Cincinnati Bengal during a routine traffic stop. “Do you smell it?” Well yeah, mom…since the sense of smell gets sharper when you’re BLIND! I’ve worn in twice in social settings…Love Potion #9 it ain’t.

In the news…
Los Angeles, CA – POM Wonderful, the world’s largest distributor of pomegranate juice, said it’s being targeted by Animal Liberation Front activists who are upset over product testing on mice and rabbits. An ALF spokesman denied involvement. In court papers, POM’s president said the company had been involved in “a limited amount of animal testing.”
Ok, first of all, your animal activist group is called ALF…who eats cats. Second, correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re talking about fruit juice, right? Not shampoo or battery acid or those demeaning little mouse sweaters…I mean, unless they’re directly juicing these animals, what’s the problem? Pomegranate juice is rich in anti-oxidants, which are supposed to be healthy. Could they possibly cause cancer in lab mice…? Here’s a hot tip…EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER IN LAB MICE. I’m pretty sure cheese is a fucking carcinogen for these things. Find a cause that isn’t so benign and delicious.

Is he giving her the furry finger?

Preston, CT – An archeological service unearthed American Indian artifacts on the grounds of a former state mental hospital – the proposed site of a $1.6 billion entertainment complex.
Ok…Indian burial ground, check…abandoned mental hospital, check…big development over top of it, check. I give you the script for Poltergeist 4. I’m surprised the walls of this blog aren’t bleeding.

I’m not sure how this came up, but Jessica Paquin, Patrick Harding and I determined that one of the most tasteless remakes/updates that could happen is The Blog of Anne Frank.

Upcoming chances to see Jared Live in Blogtober:
10/7 @ The Bethesda Hyatt **THIS WEEKEND**
10/17 @ Ned Devine’s in Sterling, VA
10/18 @ Drafthouse Comedy Lounge in Arlington, VA
10/24 @ American University

Come out. We’ll hang.

To be continued…