From the dawn of time we came, moving silently down through the centuries. Living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the gathering, when the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known we were among you…until now.
*cue Queen’s Princes of the Universe*
…God, I’m a dork.
Well, the Comedy Kumite Tournament of Champions is less than a week away. I have the honor of hosting this fight to the finish (technically to about 10pm). Before I reveal my picks to emerge victorious from this clash of comedy *WHAT?* this fracas of funny *WHAT?* this battle of bon mot *WHAT?* this donnybrook of dick jokes, let me first give you a brief history of my comedy death fighting career. I’ve participated in 3 Kumites (I,II,and VI) with a record of 1-3…
In the inaugural Kumite, I was dispatched in the first round by the quiet assassin, Frank Hong.
In Kumite II: The Revenge, I was expunged by the tournament’s architect, Chris White.
Realizing that comedy death fighting wasn’t my calling, I went on a self-imposed exile to save my ego from further scarring. Until…
Kumite VI: The Untitled, where I recorded my first ever win over Sean Gabbert…I was then soundly thrashed by Tim Miller the following round.
Ok…let’s pick some Kumite…and after the first round is picked, we’ll pick some more…so it’ll NEVER HEAL…
Atlantic Region: Rory Scovel v. Ryan Conner… These two are the Kumite Tag-Team Champions, and must now face each other to chase singular glory…it’s Hawk vs. Animal…Ricky vs. Robert…Sonny vs. Cher. These two have similar styles and compliment each other very well…why, just yesterday I heard Ryan tell Rory he was a snappy dresser…Rory, in turn, told Ryan that he smelled of fresh begonias. Homonyms…comedy gold. While both are among the 7 funniest comics in DC, Rory has the edge in a head to head battle, having nearly won Kumite IV: A New Hope.
My pick: Rory Scovel
Mid-Atlantic Region: Chris White v. Erin Conroy… This one is going to be Dr. Frankenstein vs. the monster he created. The creator of Comedy Kumite, Chris White faces off against the woman who has made the tournament her bitch, Erin Conroy. Much like the previous bracket, these two also wield similar styles. Both take uncomfortable and embarrassing stories from their broken childhoods and mildy retarded social lives and unleash them on the audience in such a way that everyone is forced to laugh…to keep from crying. Chris has been training hard for this Kumite…shouting jokes at the elderly, sitting in place, and, most importantly, paying off the judges.
My pick: Christian Robert He-Man White
Funkytown Region: Larry Poon v. Justin Schlegel… Know this: the winner of the tournament is coming out of this bracket. This is going to be a slobber-knocker. Call the Fire Marshall, because these two white hot greasefires of funny might just burn the Comedy Spot to the ground, leaving us to sift through a pile of ashes to declare a winner. There won’t be a dry seat in the house. When the dust settles from this F-5 of a match, the man with the better taste in initials will be victorious.
My pick: Justin Schlegel
Candyland Region: Zach Toczynski v. Frank Hong… Comedy physicists have often wondered what would happen if the anti-matter of Zach were to clash with the matter of Frank. This will finally give those completely fictitous people an answer. This’ll be an interesting match up. Zach is a flamboyant performer…and his name is damn near impossible to spell. Frank is very Zen-like…and squinty. For this match, I have to err on the side of the man who handed me my first Kumite loss…and a cold compress afterward.
My pick: Frank Hong
That finishes the first round. The next wave of picks’ll be quick and dirty…
Rory Scovel v. Justin Schlegel…Justin wins…FATALITY
Chris White v. Frank Hong…Chris wins…ANIMALITY
And, in the match to decide the Ultimate Kumite Champion
Justin Schlegel v. Chris White…
Justin Schlegel is your winner.
Wanna see it for yourself? Thursday, Oct. 27th @ The Comedy Spot in Ballston Common Mall…BE THERE
To be continued…