For Blog’s Sake…

Let me start off by apologizing for the lag between updates. It has recently come to my attention that people not named Jared Stern actually read this blog. It just took me awhile to amass enough tidbits to make this a worthwhile post. That being said…

Just got back from a rousing game of Texas Hold ‘Em with Erik “DJ Qualls’ Stunt Double” Myers, Adam “Kuato” Gregory, and two of their friends. This game featured 3 four-of-a-kind hands…none held by me. I left down $1.25 and a pair of pants…did I mention it was the most disturbing game of strip poker ever played? No winners.

Speaking of stripping…

SEATTLE (Oct. 2) – Fearing a spate of new cabarets after a federal judge struck down the city’s 17-year moratorium on new strip clubs, the City Council is planning to vote Monday on some of the strictest adult-entertainment regulations of any big city in the country. No lap dances. No placing dollar bills in a dancer’s G-string. And the clubs must have what one council member likens to “Fred Meyer” lighting, a reference to the department store chain.

While you’re at it, why not make it an All-Lunchlady revue?…or Girls With Goiters? Christ, I know I can’t eat the steak, but at least let me rub my face in the menu. Where can a man go where his sticky dollar bills are welcome? Where can he be free of this penile penal system? Enter: Salem, Oregon… Beaver Country…

SALEM (Sept. 29) – The Oregon Supreme Court struck down as unconstitutional yesterday a state law against live sex shows and a local ordinance that says nude dancers must stay at least 4 feet away from patrons.

If there was ever a demand for a sequel to the computer game The Oregon Trail, this is it. C’mon…put the Leisure Suit Larry people to work. Pack up your wagons, boys…there’s gold in them thar fleshy hills!

I’m reminded of a trip to Good Guys…*flashback fade out*…one spritely young lass was giving a spirited performance on the pole. When she got done, I noticed she was wearing bowling shoes. I asked her why, and she said the standard-issue stripper shoes hurt her back. She just got finished contorting herself in ways that made Cirque du Soliel look like a geriatric Electric Slide line. Gotta be the shoes…

In other news, my mother will be holding a one-woman candlelight vigil for Leo Henryk Sternbach, Ph.D., who passed away at the age of 97. He invented Valium.

To be continued…

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