One of the Seven Greatest Blogs EVER

Just got back from one of my favorite Tuesday night destinations, the DC Improv. Bob Marley is there thru Sunday with two of my comedy pals, Mike Shader and Erin Conroy. Mike hosted the very first open-mic I ever went to, at a now defunct hole-in-the-wall club called Winchester’s. Erin is the left leg of the giant robot of comedy that is THE DC STANDUP ALL-STARS. They’re both damn funny…do yourself a favor and go see one of the shows this week.

Hey, wanna see how dorks are handling the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina?
Click here.
…*sigh*

One thing I’ve noticed in my short time blogging is that sarcasm, unless italicized or highlighted, doesn’t translate well in print. Hyperbole, which is the single greatest figure of speech in the known universe, is one of the more subtle forms of sarcasm that’s tough to noodle through at first glance. This makes for a sticky situation when we comedians make P.T. Barnum-esque claims to promote our shows and prostitute ourselves in general. In order to get the folk out of their houses and into our comedy venues, it’s not uncommon to say things like… THIS SHOW WILL END WORLD HUNGER…or WE SO FUNNY WE MAKE YOU LAUGH LONG TIME. We gotta. Are you really going to come see a group of comics billed as “…eh…ok”? We’re comics…exaggeration for the sake of effect is our bread and butter. It’s our gift…our curse. But, with great power comes great responsibility, so we should be careful when we toss around the playful assertion that we’re funnier than other people…especially when those other people are other comics…though you’d think we’d know better than to give half a rat’s ass cheek. Simply put, those with glass egos shouldn’t read blogs. No apologies necessary. Get over yourselves, people.

That being said, come to Wiseacre’s tomorrow night for a fundraiser for hurricane victims…the GREATEST CAUSE EVER…that’s right…you heard me…suck it, cancer research.

To be continued…

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Triple X

Well…I’m 30. Three whole decades. Two bar mitzvahs and a 4-year old. Some say life starts at 30. Yes…if you’re the Highlander. Despite this big milestone, my celebration was decidedly low-key…highlighted by a meal fit for Zeus himself at the Oceanaire Seafood Room. I ate an animal stuffed with two other animals…delicious in the way that only triple homicide can be.
I had my heart set on eating shark, but it wasn’t on the menu that night. If you ever get the chance, I recommend trying shark. Not because it’s particularly tasty, but because it’s especially satisfying to eat something that, if it had a chance, would eat you first. You don’t get that feeling of food-chain supremacy by eating a steak…cows aren’t predatory…yet.

Afterwards, I met up with my good pal Chris White @ RFD in Chinatown. We discussed the mysteries of life over a couple brews. One mystery in particular that has eluded me is How can anyone stay interested in the first 3/4 of MLB’s regular season? In my mind, there are too many games. Chris offered that the baseball season is a metaphor for life. I agreed…like life, the baseball season means nothing until the end. Wow…that’s morbid.

My gig out in Lynchburg reinforced my theory that stand-up comics operate on a plane that is inversely proportional to reality. I drove a grand total of 8 hours to do a 1/2 hour of work. Take that, Joe Punchclock.

Stuff I noticed on the road to and from Lynchburg:

  • A car with not one, not two, but THREE American Flag stickers. Listen buddy, I wasn’t questioning your patriotism before, but now methinks thou doth protest too much. I see one sticker, I think he’s a proud American. Two stickers, maybe he likes his car to look balanced. Three? Terrorist. Call the tipline and get this guy cavity searched.
  • A trail marker that said “Blacks Run”. Seemed more instructive than declarative to me.

  • The sign that warns Speed Limit Enforced By Aircraft. Let’s change “enforced” to “monitored”, eh? Unless I’m getting pulled over by a goddamn Cessna, the aircraft isn’t the enforcer.

Thanks to everyone who’s made my first 30 years so enjoyable…here’s to another 30.

To be continued…

A mind like a steel sieve…

Let’s face it, people…sometimes I’m a moron…an idiot…so dense that light bends around me. Why so hard on yourself, Jared? Glad you asked. Tuesday, that’s why. What’d you do on Tuesday? Well, I stayed in and did laundry. Well, that doesn’t seem so idiotic. You’d think that. What I SHOULD have done was go to the DC Improv to see the open mic contest. A show I could’ve seen FOR FREE that would’ve been a guaranteed good time and featured my fellow Sketchup alum, Alicia Gomes. She took 2nd place. She was a damn funny gal when we were in college and I have yet to see her showcase her talent as a stand up comic. It’s mental lapses like this that make me wish I was man enough to kick my own ass.

Tomorrow, I have a 4 hour drive to Lynchburg, VA for a one-nighter at the Boonsboro Country Club. Next time, I need to consult MapQuest BEFORE I take the gig. Hopefully it’ll be a worthwhile trek.

News Flash:

LOS ANGELES – A woman is suing ABC’s reality show “Extreme Makeover” for unspecified damages. In a lawsuit filed Sept. 9 in Los Angeles Superior Court, Deleese Williams, 30, of Conroe, Texas, claimed the producers subjected her to needless humiliation and goaded her sister into insulting her appearance. Williams says a psychologist and numerous doctors told her she needed an “eye lift, ears pulled back, chin implant and breast implants.” She was also told she needed dental surgery to break and reset her jaw for a successful “makeover,” the lawsuit said. Just hours before the dental surgery was to take place, Williams was told she was being dropped from the show because the recovery time wouldn’t fit into the schedule, the lawsuit said.

Ok, is anybody else tired of these goddamn makeover shows? I’ve seen pictures of this lady … While, she’s not what I’d call beautiful, she’s also not showing up on Maury’s next I’m Too Ugly To Live episode either. Embrace your flaws…accept them…they make you you. I think, if they want these makeovers to truly be “extreme”, they should just cut the bullshit and televise lobotomies for these people…Instead of using surgery to correct your minor imperfections, we’re going to take an ice cream scoop to the part of your brain that gives a damn. ******THE MORE YOU KNOW

To be continued…

Tick tock tick tock…

News Flash:

NEW YORK (AP) – Gordon Gould, a pioneer in laser technology who coined the word “laser” and won a decades-long struggle to secure patent rights for the most commonly used type, has died. He was 85. A spokesman for his family said that, after going through a wide spectrum of emotions, they are now, “set on stunned.”

…Thanks, I’ll be here all week.

On to the crux of today’s post… 4 days and counting ’til I turn 30. This is the next big age milestone after 21 (though, the car-renting binge I went on when I turned 25 is Hertz legend) and I’m not quite sure how to…handle it. I have no clue what I want to do for the first birthday that I’ve had in awhile that lands on a weekend. I’m also wrestling with (in a steel cage) the notion of adulthood, and how I’ve been able sidestep many of its trappings up to now. Odds are I’m making WAY too big a deal out things, but hey, that’s what blogs are for (keep smiling…keep shining).

A bunch of my other comedy buddies have blogs of their own, and apparently their loyal readers have left comments…soooooooo, lemme know if anybody’s actually reading this thing or if I’m just blogging to myself.

Cool show coming up @ Wiseacre’s in Tyson’s Corner, VA next Wednesday. In lieu of the usual open mic, there’ll be a Hurricane Relief Benefit show. It’s being done in conjunction with a bunch of other clubs across the country.

To be continued…

Newport News Is Good News…

Just got back from featuring at Cozzy’s, a great little club in Newport News, VA. The crowds were good, if a touch chatty and…how shall I put it…’necky. By the way, they’re GIVING gas away in Newport News…$2.759/10 for regular…I filled up a couple super-size McDonalds cups that I’ll be selling for $2.7510/10 on the Georgia Ave. beltway off-ramp. There’s a fortune to be made in that extra tenth of a cent…so says Superman III. I killed my Saturday in Newport News at the local cineplex…I highly recommend the new Nicholas Cage vehicle, Lord of War. That’s pretty much it for right now. I still haven’t figured out the subtle art of blogging or what the hell I want this blog to be. In the meantime, I’ll try to better crystallize my thoughts for the next entry… To be continued…